Haha! If you’re reading this it means that you’re a new reader of the oh so excellent “Macaroni Report” ( May Contain dairy products). Hopefully you’re reading this not because you’re a sanitation worker but because you are someone who can clearly pick out truth and excellence from a sea of borderline satire silly “newspapers” like The Maroon Report™ . Yep, there’s nothing but the truth and writing excellence within The Macaroni Report which means that there is infact aliens, bat people and proof of Donald Trump’s hair actually being a levitating interdimensional being sent to warn us about the dangers of TV Dinners! Everything and anything you could ever possibly want to know about when it comes to the happenings of Greenville is covered by us here, YES HERE. BUY EVERY COPY THAT YOU SEE EVERY OTHER WEEK OR SO SINCE WE CAN’T AFFORD TO RUN IT WEEKLY. We need the money we’d be spending on paper and ink (believe me it’s a lot) to replace the engineers in the boiler room who keep getting eaten by the furnace dragon because of their inability to keep the furnace door shut. Oh and one last thing, thank you for deciding to read this copy of The Macaroni Report.
-Senior Executive No 7.
Note: The people in the legal department told us that we’re basically required to tell you you that this is a satire news letter which happens to be a parody of the Maroon Report™. While stories may and are likely to contain references to actual events here in Greenville, it’s probably safe to assume that anything you read here is from my imagination. Stay in school kids.