The Macaroni Awards: Part 1

With the airing of the Oscars last night (contrary to popular belief, the Oscars have no relation to Oscar Meyer Wieners), what is known as awards season has officially come to a close. Or has it? It has not! For, luckily for you , the Macaroni Report is running its first annual Macaroni Awards!!! This prestigious awards show does not focus on movies (we already perfectly predicted the Oscar results anyway). Rather, we give awards out to whatever the hell we feel like giving them out too. Please enjoy the first part of the Macaroni Awards.

Our award for Best Superhero goes to Aquaman, for being the absolute best.

The award for Best Presidential Candidate goes to… no one. We here at the macaroni report feel that they honestly all suck (though Mr. Trump sucks a little more than the rest) and will not nominate anyone. Surprisingly there were a few candidates we actually considered for this prestigious award, namely, Vermin Supreme, Limberbutt McCubbins, and Deez Nutz.

The award for Most Likely to get Assassinated in 2016 goes to, unsurprisingly, Donald Trump. We’re expecting to see some outraged tweets from his furious runner-up, Kanye West, in the next few days. (#macaroniawardssowhite)

The award for Least Shocking Scandal goes to Rachel Dolezal for *gasp* not being black.

Following a unanimous vote by the Macaroni staff, the winner of Most Likely to Secretly be a Lizard Person goes to Mr. Albright.

The winner of the Best Meme award is Philosoraptor. Sorry Pepe the Frog, but you’re just too creepy.

The winner of Best Chimpanzee Impersonation was given to presidential candidate Ted Cruz. However, shortly after the decision, his title was stripped, as one of the executives realized that Ted Cruz was not actually doing a chimpanzee impression, and that is just what he looks like.

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for…

Our most prestigious award, the Most Awesome Thing Ever award goes to … for the first year in a row, the Macaroni Report!!! In fact, the Macaroni Report swept the night, also acquiring awards for Best Source of News, Best Entertainment, and Best Maroon Report Parody/Satire/Ripoff.

If you’re anxious to hear about more awards, never fear! This is only a fraction of the awards we have to offer, so come back in the next few days to see the next few awards, including the exciting Worst Desperate Cult Recruitment Offer Ever and Best/Least-Disgusting School Lunch awards!

-Kitchenette Intern

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The Macaroni Awards: Part 1

World Famous Quiz Night Event Comes to Greenville, still no one shows up

Following the resent invasion of the satanic worshippers known as the Masterminds, Greenville decided to actually prepare for a future invasion by these hideous demons. In order to prep for future attacks, they created an “after-school event” known as Quiz Night, and decided to do extensive advertising, even going so far as to bribe students into coming (rumor has it that Greenville first published a series of books, including Brainiac-Fighting 101, How to Become Intelligent, and Stopping Satanic Rituals and Illuminati Ceremonies For Dummies. However, due to low sales and possibly illuminati black mail, these books were forced off the market).

However due to some unexplained relapse of the sudden temporary deafness syndrome (STD syndrome) across nearly the entire campus, most Greenvillians missed hearing the advertising blaring across the announcements for nearly a month. The end result was that by the time the sign-up deadline had arrived, only three teams had signed up for the event. The former Board Game Club advisor, Mr. Drumma, was forced to offer bribes in order to rapidly scrap together more teams.

Come the night of the event, and everything was madness. A flock of overweight “unikitties” managed to get inside the event, and devoured all the ice cream before the contestants could get there in time. Some mysterious men who identified themselves as the “Kung Fu Foo Fighters” had apparently mistaken the event for a mixed-martial arts tournament, and proceeded to break chairs over their heads and yell in Japanese. One team apparently decided that either A.) Donald Trump or B.) Harry Styles was the answer to every question. A group of Donald Trump supporters spent the entire time trying to run nonstop propaganda, namely, that “the climate is excellent.” One bystander (there was literally only one bystander) even claims to have seen a group of “Quizzlamic Extremists” attempting to poison the nacho cheese (little did the extremists realize that the students of Greenville had been building up natural immunity to most poisons for years, by ingesting the lethal substance known as the Greenville “Burrito”).

The end results were as follows:     First place prize of fifty dollars went to the Kung Fu Foo Fighters, though it was just given to them so that they would stop destroying school property. They are believed to have spent their winnings on a now wildly popular Japanese cat collecting game called Neko Atsume.      Second Place prize of twenty-five dollars went to the Obese Unikitties, who promised to spend their winnings on more food (no surprise).       Third Place prize of fifteen dollars went to the Not Your Average Joes. Some interns believe that the Not Your Average Joes were in actuality average people named Joe wearing disguises of fancy socks and fake sunglasses. At least one intern believes that the Not Your Average Joes were in actuality members of the lizard NHS illuminati disguised as average people named Joe wearing disguises of fancy socks and fake sunglasses.

We here at the Macaroni Report strongly advise you that when next year’s Quiz Night rolls around, you take the opportunity to attend it and learn how to defend yourself in the event that the Masterminds return to Greenville. Or more importantly, attend it so that you get free food.

-Kitchenette Intern

World Famous Quiz Night Event Comes to Greenville, still no one shows up

World Famous Masterminds come to Greenville, no one shows up

Dear Macaroni reader, if you have been keeping up to date with your macaroni news, then you know that Greenville’s “Masterminds Club” is actually secretly a board game club. However, Greenville did fall into some trouble after they found out that the term Masterminds Club is actually the trademarked term for a world famous underground trivia champions organization with the singular goal of training people to dominate GSN, Jeoporady, and then the world. In order to avoid any potential lawsuits, Mr. Drumma, the head of the board game club, decided to officially register the club in the organization.

Unfortunately, Greenville school was designated as the unexpected meeting place to perform their villainous trivia rituals. Worshippers flocked to Greenville from exotic locations around the world, including Bethlehem, Guilderland, and there was even a sighting of a rare and mysterious Duansberger. The unprepared Greenville school responded drastically, attempting to eliminate the influx of cult-members/nerds by feeding them their trademarked Greenville “Pizza” (almost as infamous as the Greenville “Burrito”) and blasting the movie The Incredibles on a loop for five hours straight. Alas, it turns out that these invaders had practiced mysterious dark arts that made them immune to the effects and/or taste of this “Pizza” (either that or they were very, very hungry).We’re still not exactly sure how they survived the Incredibles repeat cycle though.

The poor members of the board game club were forced to join in on the dreaded ritual known as the “trivia competition” (due to the presence of the quotation marks, we suggest that you do not under any circumstances attempt to ingest the “trivia competition”). Apparently, the Masterminds organization had done extensive advertising of their ritual session, even going so far as to hack the Greenville high school announcements and broadcast their propaganda across the eardrums of every student, teacher, and other random person in the Greenville High School. Alas, we here at the Macaroni believe that an epidemic of sudden temporary deafness syndrome may have overtaken the entire campus, because it seems that no one on the campus heard this announcement, and therefore, no one showed up.

Without any support from their peers, the Greenville Board Game Club struggled in a situation where they were actually expected to be intelligent. Few members survived these dark, seemingly satanic rituals, and the few that did remained very close-lipped about the incident. However, rumors still circulate of a terrifying incident known as the 715 to 0 defeat, which will certainly terrorize the dreams of Greenvillians for years to come.

Ultimately the Masterminds grew tired of their trivia rituals, and disbanded, returning to the hovels that they most certainly crawled out of, leaving nothing behind but the battered remains of Greenville’s once great board game club, and about 55 empty water bottles.

We at the Macaroni Report would like to give our condolences to any survivors of the incident. We are sorry for your loss.

-Kitchenette Intern

World Famous Masterminds come to Greenville, no one shows up

Public Service Announcement #4: Emos and Emus, know the difference, save a life

Due to an increasing rise in fatalities among our junior staff we feel a responsibility to inform you on a important difference on two very dangerous creatures in our daily lives.

As surprising as it is for some, there is actually a difference between the Emo and the Emu. Yes, this is the truth, we wouldn’t lie to you. Yes, we know when you try to put a tie on both of them, they both try to bite you. Yes, we also know that they are leading in the ways of the “dirty because I choose to” fashion style. And yes we even are aware that when shown the smooth melodies of Pierce the Veil, they flap their various upper body appendages in a cornucopia of motions. But it is the shocking truth that Emo’s and Emu’s are not one and the same.

Before we distinguish between these two, we feel it is important to stress that both of these creatures are dangerous and should be approached with only extreme caution, if, indeed at all. Emo’s have been reported to take young people and turn them into Edger Allen Poe spewing, makeup wearing, leather strapped zombies. And as many parents have told us “Its like they’re dead to me!”, and indeed they are, dead that is. For in actuality, Emo’s have mastered the art of turning the teenager into the artificially dead being, forever edgy. Emu’s are no safer, or more friendlier then their counterparts. In 1932 the British fearing the growing Emu threat in Australia felt it needed to wage war on the beasts, and thus the great Emu war was fought. All in terrible vain, even with their superior technology, the British suffered a humiliating defeat, with the casualties of 25,000 bullets and around 50 Emus. Deaths not with standing, the flighty fowl remained staunch and the British were forced to admit a loss.

 

Now that we are through explaining why they are dangerous. We shall provide a simple test for you to discern between an Emo and an Emu,  so you can take the proper precautions. The test is at follows, if you think you have encountered either an Emo or an Emu, grab a flammable substance and a flame source. Carefully splash the flammable substance on the creature, remember safety first, wear protective head gear. After the creature has been thoroughly doused, create a fire with your fire source, then holding your arm in an arch like fashion, hurl the fire at the creature with force, proceed to quickly run “like you’ve eaten to many burritos and the bathroom has screamed your name”. If the aftermath creates a scent that is like chicken, it is an Emu, if said scent is eyeliner it is an Emo.

Remember we are here for you

-Archivist #4242

 

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emu_War

 

Public Service Announcement #4: Emos and Emus, know the difference, save a life

Greenville Lunch: EMERGENCY ALERT!

Warning: If any of you Macaroni Report readers happen to have a sensitive stomach, we suggest that you do not read this article as it may be so vile that it will cause you to vomit all over the homework that you are currently supposed to be doing instead of reading this perfectly legitimate source of news.

Now that we have that disclaimer out of the way, we will get to the main point. As pretty much everyone in the known universe knows, school food is bad, disgustingly bad. Healthy eating initiatives are defenestrated when they attempt to enter the school system, so that the school system can continue to serve their “pizza”, which we’re pretty sure is actually cardboard with cheese and arguably tomato sauce on it, for outrageous prices (when used here, our definition of an outrageous price is the price of actually having to pay money for this “food”). So basically, the school system is the next generation of robber barons, and  we are without a trust-buster Teddy to sue them into the Stone Age. But just today, Greenville has accomplished the worst human rights violation since Darth Vader blew up the planet Alderaan a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. What is this atrocity, you might ask? They served Greenville “Burritos” to us poor, defenseless students.

In the event that you have neither seen nor encountered these “Burritos”, than you should give yourself a pat on the back, as you have avoided permanent disfiguration and scarring to your taste buds and/or eyes. The Greenville “Burrito” is about the single most horrifying thing a human being can imagine. It’s effectively like condensing the movie The Conjuring into a small pile of terror, and then wrapping it in a tortilla. The Greenville food department claims that this “all-natural” monstrosity is highly healthy, being made from only three ingredients: cheese, chicken, and a tortilla. On closer inspection, the chicken appears to hold more semblance to cat puke than to any small tasty poultry, and this cheese is actually not cheese, but rather a knock-off of a knock-off of a knock-off of Cheese Whiz, which we all know is just a knock-off of real cheese. The tortilla would actually be good, had it not been slathered in the above two “ingredients”. We warn you not to dare try it, as there is the distinct possibility that it may overload your taste buds and cause your pain faculties to flare up so greatly that you experience a brain aneurysm, which could result in death or paralysis. In a taste-testing experiment involving 25 Macaroni Report interns, 11 chickened out before the first bite, 7 were forced to sprint to the bathroom in order to wash out their mouths for the next 5 and a half hours, 3 experienced excessive vomiting and flu-like symptoms for the following three days, one was paralyzed from the neck down, and 3 died of burrito related illnesses (R.I.P  Joey, Todd, and Michel-Angelo).

So basically what we are saying is, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances attempt to consume, taste, experiment with, ingest, or intensely stare at this Burrito. Especially do not make eye contact. As a general rule we suggest that you do not eat any type of food that is advertised with quotation marks around any part of its title, as this is a telltale sign that the “food” in question is possibly likely maybe certainly highly dangerous. If you happen to spot one of these monstrosities, we suggest you call 911, the National Guard, whoever else is in your contact’s list, and then pull the fire alarm so that the building may be immediately evacuated. Especially do not waste your hard-earned cash buying this burrito, thus falling into the fiendish money trap that the Greenville powers to be have concocted.

As an alternative strategy to combat this villainy, you could purchase the burrito, dispose of it as soon as humanly possible, and then delight in your victory while enjoying a much safer red-or-blue-not-really-fruit-slushy or a small container of corn.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Greenville Lunch: EMERGENCY ALERT!

Board Game Club Faces Off

The “Masterminds Club”, which in an earlier post we uncovered to really be a board game club, will be having its second battle of its existence Thursday  (only one more match to go till completion). This time though, the battle will take place at our school. Will they bring a great victory to our school just like the boys soccer team? Or will they fall under the great pressure and lose horrendously like the boys basketball team? We will post the aftermath results here soon (or you could just come watch).

Board Game Club Faces Off

GCS doesn’t delay, waist high boot company stocks surge.

It’s no secret to the general populous that the ever money hungry GCS School District takes every possible opportunity to bring students into school when the schools surrounding district are delayed in order to receive the most amount of federal funding possible,  but what if there was something more sinister to it? What if it was more SINISTER? WHAT IF THEY RUN OUT OF PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES IN THE LUNCH ROOM?!?! The truth is, as our in depth 58 second investigation has found, that the school has a secret pact with local rain boot manufacturers. The way it works is that every time the school would normally be delayed, the district keeps it open. Then as a result, everyone goes out and buys boots so that they can march through the slurry of snow and rain. This in turn leads to boat loads (the roads for the money trucks was flooded) of cash flowing into the boot company’s pockets. They then in turn give a percentage of the profit to the cash-strapped school who also gets federal funding for being open. ITS SO CRAZY EVIL THAT SOME OF OUR INTERNS CRIED READING THIS!

But not only is there one evil plan in action, but two! The school also cut a deal with the umbrella companies too! IS THERE NO LIMIT TO THEIR EVIL?

Remember loyal readers, The Macaroni Report is always here to alert you of evil plots and dastardly lizards so read on!

 

-Intern No. 67

GCS doesn’t delay, waist high boot company stocks surge.