Hello! In this issue of the Macaroni Report we’re going to be covering some stuff that I never put in the introductory issue because we still have no idea what we’re doing!
-Senior Executive No 5.
Bat People Attack:
Often seen flying just overhead, eating bugs, and wearing underpants on the outside while saving citizens from danger, the bat has generally been considered a docile harmless creature (unless you’re an evil villain or street thug!) that exists solely to keep the insect population in check. This however, has not been the case at the mid-construction bus garage at Greenville Central School where it is reported that a “cloud” (yes that is the proper term) of human-sized mutant bat-people has moved into. Said to have first been spotted in the area around October, the newly moved Bat People have been extremely defensive of their nests and have been known to attack anyone attempting to remove them. According to our junior intern No 23, the Bat-People are likely the result of a radiation vent at the nearby Indian Point Nuclear Power Plant where bats have been reported to live and migrate to, utilizing the heat of the cooling towers to survive the harsh New York winters. It is important to note that we do not know if this is actually the origin of these bat-people as our intern has been known to plagiarize much of his scientific research from old science fiction comic books. Reader discretion is advised. Even stranger than our intern’s ramblings which we take as fact for some reason is that the government agency often known as “NCon” (Environmental Conservation Agency) has stepped in and actually prevented the removal of these bat-people, stating that the bat-people were both “a mutation of a rare bat species known to be on the endangered species list” and “currently experiencing their mating season”. Because of this, NCon is currently banning the removal of the bats in hopes that their children will be “not quite as horrifically mutated” as their parents and that they will reinforce the dwindling rare bat species. Until the mating season is over for the bats, the construction workers have been told to “find other things to do” at the worksite and to “enjoy their coffee as long as possible” in the meantime. It is unknown if the attacks will cease as the mating season moves along or if the construction workers will be forced to start buying caffeinated coffee in order to strengthen their fight or flight responses, but it is generally agreed that decaf is better.
-Intern No 54.