Breaking News

News has broke. In fact, it was a clean fracture, straight down the middle. Breaking news is the newest trend in today’s gentrified youth. They come in, read what’s going on and then splinter the situation so that the news is two sided much like a debate on CNN. CNN is the biggest culprit of breaking news. Discussing issues with representatives from both sides of the aisle is their favorite tactic from breaking news. The broken, piecemeal variation of news is now a vibrant force in the media today. Or maybe it isn’t. You decide. You see before news breaks it exists within the wild*. When challenged** by the likes of Anderson Cooper and Wolf “the Blitz” Blitzer, it breaks, leaving a trail of sad faces tugging at the heartstrings of every middle-aged white couple in southern Vermont. This type of behaviour would typically be frowned upon if it didn’t make for fantastic screenplays. So breaking news is necessary for population stability as well as the Hollywood Foreign Press.

The Macaroni Report suggests being delicate when breaking news. Let it down gently.  But if you find yourself breaking news while under gunfire in a helicopter over a war-torn landscape then your best bet is to just apologize and hope to God that John Stewart thinks of you as a friend. Don’t be a Sasquatch when it comes to breaking news. No one wants that.

You might think that the business of breaking news involves quite a bit of corruption and cronyism and you’d be right. We at the Macaroni Report think if you can make backdoor deals that result in untaxed income all for breaking news then you should definitely do so. It’s important to be aware of your surroundings. If you feel like there is news lingering then you have the right, nay the responsibility, to break it. A chant of “break the news, break the news, break the news” set to the beat of “Rappers Paradise” is always effective too.

Is is immoral to break the news, maybe. Should break the news every day, probably not, you’ll tire yourself out. But breaking the news is only natural. We see news and we need to break it. After all, when is the last time you’ve heard someone giving you unbroken news. Where would be if CNN didn’t constantly leave the news in shambles? They go in, rid the news with bullet holes and WE LOVE IT. Who doesn’t love to see news being broken like Stalin’s head over the streets of Budapest?

Remember, in an infinite universe all news will eventually break but why not be a part of the fun.

-Intern 101

*, **: (Note from a Senior Executive: We had some cold feet about something in this one so we had to redact it. Fortunately it was only three words and the end result is slightly less likely to enrage younger reader’s parents. Affected author, please contact chief of staff for exact reasoning.)

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Breaking News

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