Who wants us to open the doors?
Recent over-analyzing and “research” from a group of interns and mail room employees has produced a shocking theory: the Greenville chapter of the National Honor Society is actually a secret cult pretending to be an exclusive group of admirable students. They sunk some of our precious funding into researching this theory, while the rest of us focused on real news (Intern Fight Anyone?). Here’s the article they begged us to publish:
We interviewed an NHS member, who preferred to remain anonymous. Here’s a quote from their account of their NHS induction ceremony:
“They gave each of us a ceremonial robe and we met in a dim auditorium at night. We all passed under an arch, which was supported by the four pillars of the NHS. We all signed our names in an old book and repeated a pledge from their President. And then we got cake! It was pretty cool.”
Cool indeed. From this account we’ve reasoned out some possible meanings of the ceremony’s odd characteristics.
We reasoned that the four pillars holding up the entrance into the induction were representative of the 4 gods/goddesses of the NHS, as each pillar had a word written on it. Their strangely named deities are as follows: Leadership, Character, Service, and Scholarship. These names that appear to be straight out of Lovecraftian horror so they must hold some significance in a forgotten ancient tongue, as the NHS can be traced back though the millennia, with their symbol (a torch) being pictured in paintings and literature from times as early as the stone age. The signing of the book and the pledge are obviously an agreement to blindly support the NHS and its idols, so we didn’t bother to figure out what the pledge even says. Also, who wears robes these days? Judges and cults, that’s who. And last we checked, the NHS has no apparent interest in practicing law. Therefore the NHS must be a cult.
We also interviewed Greenville’s NHS supervisor, Mr. Albright, to uncover more information. Here’s an excerpt:
Intern #89: Mr. Albright, are you a history teacher, or are you actually a large pile of lizards, masquerading as a history teacher?
Albright: *hisses nervously*
Suspicious stuff right? We’ll keep you updated as more is discovered.
I’m really sorry about this article, but the interns wouldn’t let up until I published it, or bought them a cake. And we don’t have the budget for cake.
— Mail Room VP