Flashback to 2015

We here at the Macaroni Report understand that recently our fellow newspaper, The Maroon Report, published an article called flashback to 2015. We here at the Macaroni Report then decided that it is also a good idea to give you an overview of some of the important events of 2015, just in case you missed them because you were too busy taking selfies with your selfie stick, or posting pictures of your rather uninteresting dinner on Instagram. Here’s a quick run down:

  • The Harlem Wizards come to Greenville. Teachers decide to utterly humiliate themselves in order to earn tips. This culminated with Mr. Tyrrell attempting to assault one helpless Harlem Wizards player with a baseball bat. We believe he then bribed the police to avoid charges.
  • Greenville shows the famous play Oklahoma! to much critical acclaim. Some attendees actually think that they are getting a trip to Oklahoma.
  • New Dunkin Donuts is built in the center of town, thus allowing the big business illuminati right-wing conspiracy to enter the humble town of Greenville and take over our brains. They also serve stale donuts.
  • Greenville decides to raise money by selling ducks at auction. It is later revealed that the organizers neglected to tell the visitors that they are not infact actually bidding on real ducks.
  • After years of failing to repair the roof leaks by calling in guys to poke around and bang on things with hammers, Greenville decides to go all out and call in more guys to poke around and bang on things with hammers. Only time will tell if this new strategy will finally succeed.
  • Ms. Anderson steps down from her roll as the head of the NHS, to be replaced by Mr. Albright. Anonymous sources claim that he may or may not actually be a large pile of lizards masquerading as a history teacher.
  • After it is learned that the bus garage cannot be worked on until the mysterious mutant bat people move out, Construction workers are forced to spend their work hours playing poker and flying drones in circles above the parking lot
  • Mr. Siebrecht manages to finally achieve his lifelong goal of breaking the internet by starting the infamous ‘duck face’ trend.

This pretty much covers a lot of the highlights. All jokes aside however, we would like to remember the members of the Greenville community who passed away last year: Spanish teacher Mr. Roselli, substitute teacher Mr. Johnson, and student Brianna Tanner.

Here’s to hoping that this year, nothing else that Mr. Siebrecht does goes viral on the internet. (shivers)

-Kitchenette Intern

Flashback to 2015

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