Greenville Lunch: EMERGENCY ALERT!

Warning: If any of you Macaroni Report readers happen to have a sensitive stomach, we suggest that you do not read this article as it may be so vile that it will cause you to vomit all over the homework that you are currently supposed to be doing instead of reading this perfectly legitimate source of news.

Now that we have that disclaimer out of the way, we will get to the main point. As pretty much everyone in the known universe knows, school food is bad, disgustingly bad. Healthy eating initiatives are defenestrated when they attempt to enter the school system, so that the school system can continue to serve their “pizza”, which we’re pretty sure is actually cardboard with cheese and arguably tomato sauce on it, for outrageous prices (when used here, our definition of an outrageous price is the price of actually having to pay money for this “food”). So basically, the school system is the next generation of robber barons, and  we are without a trust-buster Teddy to sue them into the Stone Age. But just today, Greenville has accomplished the worst human rights violation since Darth Vader blew up the planet Alderaan a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. What is this atrocity, you might ask? They served Greenville “Burritos” to us poor, defenseless students.

In the event that you have neither seen nor encountered these “Burritos”, than you should give yourself a pat on the back, as you have avoided permanent disfiguration and scarring to your taste buds and/or eyes. The Greenville “Burrito” is about the single most horrifying thing a human being can imagine. It’s effectively like condensing the movie The Conjuring into a small pile of terror, and then wrapping it in a tortilla. The Greenville food department claims that this “all-natural” monstrosity is highly healthy, being made from only three ingredients: cheese, chicken, and a tortilla. On closer inspection, the chicken appears to hold more semblance to cat puke than to any small tasty poultry, and this cheese is actually not cheese, but rather a knock-off of a knock-off of a knock-off of Cheese Whiz, which we all know is just a knock-off of real cheese. The tortilla would actually be good, had it not been slathered in the above two “ingredients”. We warn you not to dare try it, as there is the distinct possibility that it may overload your taste buds and cause your pain faculties to flare up so greatly that you experience a brain aneurysm, which could result in death or paralysis. In a taste-testing experiment involving 25 Macaroni Report interns, 11 chickened out before the first bite, 7 were forced to sprint to the bathroom in order to wash out their mouths for the next 5 and a half hours, 3 experienced excessive vomiting and flu-like symptoms for the following three days, one was paralyzed from the neck down, and 3 died of burrito related illnesses (R.I.P  Joey, Todd, and Michel-Angelo).

So basically what we are saying is, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances attempt to consume, taste, experiment with, ingest, or intensely stare at this Burrito. Especially do not make eye contact. As a general rule we suggest that you do not eat any type of food that is advertised with quotation marks around any part of its title, as this is a telltale sign that the “food” in question is possibly likely maybe certainly highly dangerous. If you happen to spot one of these monstrosities, we suggest you call 911, the National Guard, whoever else is in your contact’s list, and then pull the fire alarm so that the building may be immediately evacuated. Especially do not waste your hard-earned cash buying this burrito, thus falling into the fiendish money trap that the Greenville powers to be have concocted.

As an alternative strategy to combat this villainy, you could purchase the burrito, dispose of it as soon as humanly possible, and then delight in your victory while enjoying a much safer red-or-blue-not-really-fruit-slushy or a small container of corn.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

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Greenville Lunch: EMERGENCY ALERT!

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