Public Service Announcement #4: Emos and Emus, know the difference, save a life

Due to an increasing rise in fatalities among our junior staff we feel a responsibility to inform you on a important difference on two very dangerous creatures in our daily lives.

As surprising as it is for some, there is actually a difference between the Emo and the Emu. Yes, this is the truth, we wouldn’t lie to you. Yes, we know when you try to put a tie on both of them, they both try to bite you. Yes, we also know that they are leading in the ways of the “dirty because I choose to” fashion style. And yes we even are aware that when shown the smooth melodies of Pierce the Veil, they flap their various upper body appendages in a cornucopia of motions. But it is the shocking truth that Emo’s and Emu’s are not one and the same.

Before we distinguish between these two, we feel it is important to stress that both of these creatures are dangerous and should be approached with only extreme caution, if, indeed at all. Emo’s have been reported to take young people and turn them into Edger Allen Poe spewing, makeup wearing, leather strapped zombies. And as many parents have told us “Its like they’re dead to me!”, and indeed they are, dead that is. For in actuality, Emo’s have mastered the art of turning the teenager into the artificially dead being, forever edgy. Emu’s are no safer, or more friendlier then their counterparts. In 1932 the British fearing the growing Emu threat in Australia felt it needed to wage war on the beasts, and thus the great Emu war was fought. All in terrible vain, even with their superior technology, the British suffered a humiliating defeat, with the casualties of 25,000 bullets and around 50 Emus. Deaths not with standing, the flighty fowl remained staunch and the British were forced to admit a loss.


Now that we are through explaining why they are dangerous. We shall provide a simple test for you to discern between an Emo and an Emu,  so you can take the proper precautions. The test is at follows, if you think you have encountered either an Emo or an Emu, grab a flammable substance and a flame source. Carefully splash the flammable substance on the creature, remember safety first, wear protective head gear. After the creature has been thoroughly doused, create a fire with your fire source, then holding your arm in an arch like fashion, hurl the fire at the creature with force, proceed to quickly run “like you’ve eaten to many burritos and the bathroom has screamed your name”. If the aftermath creates a scent that is like chicken, it is an Emu, if said scent is eyeliner it is an Emo.

Remember we are here for you

-Archivist #4242




Public Service Announcement #4: Emos and Emus, know the difference, save a life

One thought on “Public Service Announcement #4: Emos and Emus, know the difference, save a life

  1. obeseostrich says:

    If you discover that the thing you burned is indeed an emu, I suggest you run because (and I quote from the British commander during the Emu War) “They [emus] can face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks.They are like Zulus whom even dum-dum bullets could not stop.”


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