Let’s face it: in this day and age, life is all about money, and we all want to get rich with minimum effort. They say that money can’t buy happiness, but money can buy food, which leads to happiness. Since some of us don’t have small loans of a million dollars lying around, here are some foolproof ideas to getting rich quick with hopefully minimal effort.
Apparently they’ll be able to fix it within 30 minutes. Time will tell if they do infact fix it in time.
BREAKING: Everyone’s favorite construction workers appear to have broken a water main while working on sewage replacement near the elementary school. Protocol requires the school day to be ended unless the problem is fixed within 45 minutes. Also, by the time this gets posted, it’ll be far less than 45 minutes.
Water has been turned off in the meantime so there are no sinks, water fountains, or toilets currently in operation.
THE CLOCK IS TICKING GREENVILLE.
Students came in this week to see their school in shambles, and not the usual variety. An unwieldy tree rooted to the stage, hundreds of tulips sprouting out of crevices around the school, and rainwater funneling down into the building, via the upstairs lockers (although, granted, the latter is a weekly occurrence) was just some of the damage discovered early Monday morning. It wasn’t until sixth period that the source of these agricultural disturbances finally uncovered, when the unearthly figure of an old man was seen hovering above the express line in the cafeteria. The ghostly old man, revealed to be Robert Frost through a swift google image search, was apparently using his ghostly abilities to change the station on the TV, but eventually flew off in frustration upon seeing that the Discovery Channel was only about mermaids and pawnbrokers. Continue reading “Ghost of Robert Frost Wrecks Havoc, Nobody Particularly Notices”
Breaking News: Our own Head Chef has developed a line of fire retardant clothing. I got a quick interview with him to learn more about it.
Mail Room VP: “How do your prevent this clothing from combusting at high temperatures?”
The Head Chef: “I made them using wool.”
MRVP: “But isn’t wool flammable?”
THC (whoops): “Oh, well of course. I’ve invented a special kind of flame-ignorant wool, which I’ve used to make the clothing.”
THC: “Yes. I raise my own sheep from birth, never exposing them to the concept of fire. They are contained in a special, windowless room that holds no form of fire, or even heat. Don’t worry, their wool keeps them warm.”
“The room doesn’t even contain electric lighting. Instead I light the room with only glow in the dark-paint, which I also feed to the sheep to improve their night-vision. It’s science! And when the sheep are sheared I use the wool to make clothing.”
MRVP: “But how does that make the wool flame-ret–”
MRVP: “Right. How does the wool become flame-ignorant?”
THC: “The answer is simple: since the sheep have never seen fire, their wool doesn’t know how to respond to the intense heat. So when the wool is exposed to fire, it does nothing. Except glow. That’s a side-effect of eating glow-in-the-dark paint.”
MRVP: “Amazing! Is there anything ignorance can’t do?!”
–Mail Room VP
Backstory: Sir Gabriel Patterson, Captain of the Greenville Masterminds Varsity team made a boo-boo once, while answering a question, said Swan Princess while the answer was Swan Lake. His name is now Swan Princess because we, the Varsity team, are amazing people. On the final tournament, Gabe was unable to attend so we commemorated ourselves to his legacy, creating “Team Swan Princess”.
This team, with the power of Gabe’s spirit powering us, grew to previously unknown levels, keeping all games within 100 points of each other. Co-Captain, Scott Davis, Emily Fagan, Olivia Gorneau, and I, assistant #472 are all trying, to the best of remedial abilities, to keep the legacy of the “Swan Princess” and “Team Swan Princess” alive because this planet simply could not survive with out our amazing beautiful amazingness. Never forget “Team Swan Princess” or the “Swan Princess” himself. Thank you.
This has been your required PSA. Hope you have a pasta and cheesy day and this is intern #472, your local cannibal, signing off
In Loving Memory of Gabriel “Swan Princess” Patterson
Breaking News has recently broke. A demented Bunny Rabbit has been spotted stalking the hallways of Crossgates Mall, and the police are looking for information on his whereabouts. Sightings peg the bunny as brown and white, possibly rabid, and with an expression on his face “which suggests he downed an entire bottle of anti-depressant pills at once.” This rabbit is extremely dangerous, and should not be approached if spotted.
For the last 30 years, the bunny appears in the mall for a period of approximately one month before disappearing back to his hidden lair. When that period of terror begins constantly changes, and while some claim that we can use the lunar cycle to predict his coming, in truth he is much too erratic. Reportedly, there is some secret underground cult that worships this bunny made up of the parents of young children, and each year they bring their children to the mall in the hopes that he can bless the children. Very few children actually wish to join their parents cult, as is evident by the witness-reported wailing that can be heard throughout the mall whenever one of these tiny tots encounters the demonic creature.
As many readers of the Macaroni Report are more than aware, the collective known as Greenville`s Board Game Club, under the veil of “Masterminds”, has been operating unchecked for several months. In this time, they have pillaged the pizza supplies of surrounding towns, pummeled Mr. Drumma with an unrelenting stream of old people jokes, and most recently, unintentionally sparked the wrath of the real Masterminds organization, whose descent upon Greenville is still seared into the nightmares of many. It is only after the events of last night, however, that administration at Greenville have finally had to intervene.