Greenville Lunch: Emergency Alert #2!

After the extreme popularity of our last Greenville Lunch Emergency Alert, which saved approximately 371 lives from death by burrito-related illnesses, we are bringing it back in order to warn you about another threat to your survival nearly as dangerous as the infamous Greenville “Burrito”.

We feel obligated to give you a disclaimer, so that way you can’t sue us if you suffer side effects from reading this article such as dizziness, laziness, stupidness, or mass hysteria. So here goes:

Warning: If you have a queasy and/or weak-willed stomach, you may want to refrain from reading this article, as it may cause you to vomit uncontrollably, which could cause  damage to any nearby articles of clothing, body parts, and/or pets.

And there you are. Now to the important stuff. In case you don’t know, the Macaroni Council on Human Rights (MCHR) officially declared that the creation of the Greenville “Burrito” was the worse human rights violation in the history of mankind. Well today, Greenville created the second worse human rights violation in the history of mankind (no it was not playing Yellow Submarine by the Beatles in the cafeteria). What was it you may ask? It was the trademarked Greenville “Fish”.

In case you don’t know, we here at the Macaroni Report have in the past advised you not to eat any kind of “food” that has quotation marks in or around its name. We are now advising you not to associate with anyone who has eaten such food in the past twelve months, as the aftereffects may be contagious. Such aftereffects include boils, warts, constipation, and STD syndrome (sudden temporary deafness syndrome). The Greenville “Fish”, contrary to popular belief, is not actually fish, nor is it even related to anything that may have once lived in the water or had gills. In all honesty, we don’t know what it is. I personally tried to put together a tasting committee to attempt to figure out what it is, but after the disastrous results of our taste-testing run in with the Greenville “Burrito”, all of our interns refused to participate in any such activities. However, we did find one third party person who does not work for the Macaroni, and who may or may not have been warned about the health-hazards ahead of time, to taste-test this terrifying concoction. According to this person, this terrifying creation was “most definitely not fish, seeing as fish are not square.”  He also commented that “fish generally do not have the consistency of potatoes on the inside.” He ended the conversation with “I’m really feeling ill, I think I have to go to the nurse’s office.” At that point, we promptly left, hoping to avoid catching any symptoms and possibly dying.

There you have it folks, that Greenville “Fish” is most certainly not fish. Present extreme caution if you spot such a nasty, square-shaped concoction, but whatever you do, do not act nervous. Those suckers can smell fear.

Remember that if you encounter this horrible creation,  you must do three things. First, thank your lucky stars that you have not run into the Greenville “Burrito”, a despicable monstrosity which is even worse. Second, alert everyone in your immediate vicinity and township of the threat and get them evacuated to a safe distance of approximately 32.85 miles. Finally, call up the national guard and command them to nuke the location immediately, as this strategy has been shown to be successful enough to, in *some* cases,  destroy the Greenville “Fish”.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

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Greenville Lunch: Emergency Alert #2!

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