Following the ice rink incident last month that left Greenville CSD’s gym flooded and filled with a hive of fans and moisture removers, a strange anomaly occurred. What was this strange anomaly you might ask? A RANGE (correct terminology for a group of wild mountains) OF FRIGGEN MOUNTAINS STARTED GROWING IN THE GYM. Yes, you read that with your utterly obliterated observing spheres that just so happen to be connected to your brain correctly, a group of mountains began to grow beneath the floor within the gym. While “real” scientists and the science education department located within Greenville were utterly bewildered by the occurrence, our own interns have come to likely explanation for the mountains:

“I think it’s pretty clear what happened here. The water that was flooded into the gym clearly seeped into the floorboards of the gym and into the wonderful asbestos undercoating which then served as a catalyst, causing the single run ‘warm – cold – warm’ freeze cycle to be accelerated and ultimately begin to grow mountains. It’s very similar to how those borderline obese ice chunks that some people call ‘glaciers’ formed the mountains here in New York.”

-Intern No. 721

Regardless of the dangers of growing your own mountains (Outlined in the world famous guide, Grow Your Own Mountains: A guide to world domination.), Greenville staff have decided to take advantage of the situation and repurpose the school’s gym as a dedicated mountain farm with plans to later sell the mountains to poor third world countries which cannot afford to keep their borders secure via conventional methods. As a result, all gym classes have been moved to the middle school MP room until further notice.

(We here at The Macaroni Report do not recommend purchasing one of the mountains sold from the school as we do not believe these mountains have been FDA certified as “asbestos free”. Asbestos infected mountains (The result of an improper mix of asbestos and water) have been known to cause several forms of lung cancer. -Senior Intern No. 67)

-Intern No. 93


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