Breaking News: A group of tall athletic men destroyed Greenville’s dignity in a game of basketball last night. And while they ripped our dignity limb from limb, dunk by dunk, layup by layup, they also leveled an entire building. Yes you read that correctly, an entire building. An entire school building in fact, but luckily not our school. However, dear reader, it was not luck that saved our place of education.
Last year when the Harlem Wizards visited our District, they took our dignity for the first time, but that wasn’t enough. Unsatisfied that they couldn’t beat our teachers by a mere 200 points, the Wizards planned to return to Greenville and enact revenge.
Fearing that the Wizards had gained a lust for destruction, a local gym teacher began a mountain farm in our school gym without permission. The Wizards arrived at Greenville with their veins pumping full of Gatorade, and the Space Jam Theme booming on their tour bus speakers. When told the game had to be cancelled due to agricultural reasons, the players were enraged and declared it would be held at another school.
The Greenville team and an entire captive audience were moved to the nearby Cairo-Durham High School, where the madness began. Within 30 seconds of playtime the Harlem Wizards had shattered a backboard, along with the ankles of the Greenville team’s starting lineup. Literally. The 5 players were rushed to get their broken bones examined, while another 5 Greenville players reluctantly took their place on the court, and when one Greenville player made a free-throw he was promptly brought out back and euthanized by a Wizards player.
By halftime the score was 117-1. During halftime each Wizards player devoured at least 2 entire 24-cut deep dish cheese pizzas, while the remaining Greenville players were given only bread and water. The audience had the opportunity to buy Wizards memorabilia during this time, but they were too afraid to move from their seats.
The third and fourth quarter were most of the same. Several basketballs were popped by the sheer strength of the Wizards, and one was even compressed so much that it disappeared from this plane of existence. A few audience members were forced to applaud and cheer for the Wizards, under the fear that they may be dunked. Literally.
The slam jam ended with a score of 200-1, barely missing the 200 point victory the Wizards craved. Enraged, the Wizards began tearing the school apart as the audience fled the scene with the Greenville team. Luckily everyone escaped the building before it collapsed like Greenville school spirit at a Boys’ Basketball Game. Intern No. 297 rushed from the scene straight to the post office to send the Report a letter so we could report the horror.
Thankfully, the Wizards again have again taken our dignity, but not our School.
Our sincerest condolences go out to the Cairo-Durham students as they will now be attending school in a large pile of rubble and shattered backboards.
–Mail Room VP