A Response to The Maroon Report

Recently we here at the Macaroni Report were visited by a bearded stranger. He proposed an offer to us here at the Macaroni: We join the Maroon Report with our own “Macaroni Report” section. This section would be for “parodies” to add some extra humor to the Maroon Report. He left, telling us the offer would stay on the table until we accepted or declined.

We here at the Macaroni Report had a variety of reactions. Some of the various interns were excited at the idea of working in a school produced paper. The Sasquatch was angry at the idea of supporting print news. The boiler room interns were very enthusiastic about a chance to move into a safer job. The Furnace Dragon responded with a shrug as he swallowed another boiler room intern.

The Archives Department was too busy organizing our records to comment on the proposal. The Mail Room also couldn’t be reached for comment, for they were too busy sifting through all of the reader-submitted articles we don’t get. Another group of interns were offended at the idea of us being limited to writing “parodies” as we all know that the Macaroni Report prides itself on its 75:25 split of parody and super-legit news. The Head Chef and the Kitchenette Interns were open to the idea, until we heard some shocking information.

A Journalism student told us that the bearded man who visited the Macaroni Report headquarters was in fact a senior executive of the Maroon Report. Here’s a quote about the Senior Executive from that Journalism student.

He told us, “The best way to beat your competition is to absorb your competition.”

–Maroon Reporter No.7

Naturally this caused a shift of opinion among the Macaroni staff. As if the “parodies-only” idea wasn’t enough, this new absorption concept pushed everyone to anger. All began sharpening their pitchforks and lighting their torches, with cries of “we’ll absorb them”, but soon returned to their typical level-headedness. Most of them have gone back to their usual jobs, and a senior executive has asked me to issue this statement:

Greetings Maroon Report,

We don’t know how you run things at your silly paper, but we here at the Macaroni Report will not be absorbed (even partially) into a small part of your publication. So at this time we will respectfully decline your offer.

Perhaps the next absorption we will hear about will be the merger of the Maroon Report into the Macaroni Report.

Respectfully,

Senior Executive No. 12

P.S. We reserve the right to change our minds about the offer later, as this could be a very good or very bad publicity move

–Mail Room VP

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A Response to The Maroon Report

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