If you live in Greenville or the surrounding area, you may be aware of the strange weather we’ve been experiencing recently. Most can’t confirm if the weather wants to be as it should in winter or as it should in Summer. The rapidly changing temperature and weather has left many Greenvillains with a confused sense of neglect and rejection. According to our school’s top
scientists psychologists, Mother Nature has taken this course of action for a reason.
You see Mother Nature hasn’t felt the same since Father Ozone became afflicted with a degenerative disease back in ’85. He died as a result of his condition in the early 2000s, his lifeless carcass is still floating in our atmosphere today. Mother Nature spent some time coping, but eventually decided to get back out there to find love again. But Cupid was not on her side.
Mother Nature first got back into the dating game in ’04 with a man named Charley, but their relationship soon ended, about a year later. A home wrecking woman named Katrina became involved in their relationship, and began destructively interfering in their relationship. Katrina’s rampage ended with a death toll of over 1,800, costed Mother Nature and Charley over $84 billion, and gave the City of New Orleans, Louisiana a never-ending supply of American sympathy.
Mother Nature tried love again in 2009 with a Asian man named Tsu Nami. The man seemed rather kind and respectful, Mother Nature enjoyed his ethnic background, and they stayed together for a long loving year. But Nami-San had a dark secret, and Mother Nature soon discovered that he was responsible for destruction in various countries bordering the Pacific Ocean between 2006 and 2010. She probably read a Wikipedia article about it or something.
Her most recent attempt to find happiness lied with a man who called himself Brick. Brick helped get revenge on Tsu Nami, by causing havoc in his homeland of Japan. The nuclear disaster that Nihon nearly faced was incredibly romantic and Brick and Momma Nature stayed together for nearly five years.They split in 2015 as a result of Brick’s excessive activity in Nepal, which was honestly a real turn-off. Mother Nature is now left alone, heartbroken, and confused. Recently she has been expressing her feelings in the town of Greenville, NY.
We here at the Macaroni Report have been distressed about the confusing weather patterns that have occurred in the 2015-2016 winter. The lack of snow (and the resulting lack of snow-days) is enough to make anyone bawl like an 8-year old child who has noticed that snow has devolved into a tool of Hollywood, used only to express the cold setting of winter, rather than an instrument of nature to express actual winter. The seemingly unpredictable temperature has left many Greenvillers dressed inappropriately for the weather. Several contracted frostbite. Several more were left feeling slightly warmer than they should have, when they wore jeans in shorts-weather.
Mother Nature’s treatment of her children has been ruled unethical, and hopefully the human race will be relocated to a cosmic orphanage in the near future. Here’s hoping we get adopted by a more loving and stable parent. Until then, just continue about your daily lives, and remember not to start any political conversations with our lovely Mother Nature at the family dinner table.
Thanks for reading.
–Mail Room VP
**Note: The Broom Closet Sasquatch may claim that some of these environmental phenomena are actually the fault of humanity, but we implore you dear readers to not blame yourselves for the actions of our lonely mother. Sasquatch may also claim that there are no supernatural beings controlling the weather, but we don’t want you to ignore Mother Nature, as this is more likely to anger her than solve the problem.