Opinion: Donald Trump’s Manhood is not small, it’s nonexistant

If you have been keeping up with the news lately, you may know that the presidential race for 2016 has degraded to 5th grade humor (you know, the “say boo to the bee tee-hee-hee” kind of humor). Most recently, Marco Rubio felt the need to enhance his own ego by downgrading that of Donald Trump by telling an audience that Donald Trump has small hands, so something else might be a little small.

We don’t wish to baby you, Macaroni readers, so here it is: Marco Rubio said Donald Trump has a small penis.

First off, why in the hell did Marco Rubio care in the first place that Trump has small hands? Since when did we elect presidents based on genitalia size?!?! Where is the chicken salad that was in the Kitchenette this morning?!?!?!? Well Macaroni readers, we cannot answer really any of these, but we can bring Rubio’s statement in front of a spotlight for questioning.

The basis of this article is, Donald Trump does not have a small manhood. By the Macaroni definition, one must be a “man” in order to have a manhood, and all signs point to Trump being neither man, woman, nor beast (okay, there is a small chance that he is a beast). That hair does certainly not belong to any “man” that we have ever seen (though it does bear some semblance to the hair occasionally seen on ears of corn). Rather, as we have proved in a previous article that we dug out of the files way back from Iowa Caucus time, Donald Trump is actually a lizard person. We are not sure how exactly lizard person biology works, but one fairly supported theory is that they reproduce asexually by budding. Is it possible that Trump’s atrocious hair is actually just a really bad attempt at covering up a second little Trump growing out of his head? This our readers, is a truly terrifying thought, for it would mean that eventually there will be two Donald Trumps in the world, and one is already way too much.

Alternative theories for what Trump actually is include him being some form of rare, annoying, racist primate (A Trumpanzee, perhaps? Donald Chimp?), a fungal growth which has achieved semi-sentience, a slow, ugly parasite from another dimension, or possibly the most terrifying thing on this list, a rare and highly deadly creature known as a Deep South Oklahoman. This last theory was luckily shot down because unlike a Deep South Oklahoman, Trump doesn’t wear plaid overalls, prefers not to where a cowboy hat, has no southern accent, and (currently, at least) has all his teeth.

If there is some sort of crazy moral to this crazy story, it is this: don’t start male posturing unless you can actually determine the species of your enemy. And also maybe this: avoid eating corn, as it may secretly be related to Donald Trump.

-Kitchenette Intern

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Opinion: Donald Trump’s Manhood is not small, it’s nonexistant

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