An administrative lapse in which the box office at the University of Illinois-Chicago booked both Donald Trump and rapper Kendrick Lamar for tonight resulted in violent protests amongst voters/fans. Police are being cautious because they know an arrest is just what both Trump and Kendrick would want to see at their event. The rally has been postponed while the concert is still currently in progress. The outbreak of protests is now littering the media landscape and footage is being played over every news station, save for FOX where Bill O’Reilly persists at being an ignorant
The outbreak of protests is now littering the media landscape and footage is being played over every news station, save for FOX where Bill O’Reilly persists at being an ignorant *REDACTED*. Chris Hayes of MSNBC just got off the phone with Mr. Trump who said though he is a fan of Kendrick’s music he was upset because Kendrick was “cramping my style.” Kendrick responded by repeating his favorite expletives and dabbing over and over again.
We here at the Macaroni Report are frankly unsurprised by the booking error as Donald Trump does sound like someone who would open for Kendrick Lamar. After all, he is the namesake for Donnie Trumpet. Both Kendrick and Mr. Trump have promised to make America great again using traditions of the past. However, Kendrick has cited Dr. Martin Luther King Jr and Marcus Garvey as influences while Donald Trump finds his motivation in the antebellum South and Andrew Jackson’s racist ghost.
The overbooking fiasco led to the unfortunate sight of thousands of Chicagoans lining the streets, yearning to get in. We were brought back to the days of when half of Illinois would show up to Bulls games only to be crowded out into Lake Michigan. However, like Michael Jordan, Kendrick Lamar is good at improvisation and began to give his performance outside while Donald Trump watched the protestors perform STOMP from his box seats in the arena.
Not a surprise that the mailroom has been overwhelmed by the influx of letters caused by the anger in a very old fashioned demographic. The last time the mailroom received this many letters Charlie Kelly was still smoking two packs of Newports as an intern in our office. Since Donald Trump obviously doesn’t know how to Tweet most of the mail was actually from him and most of the content was about how we ought to build a wall around the city of Chicago.
When the Macaroni Report went to press, Kendrick was still angry at white people and Donald Trump the exact opposite but both remained steadfast in defending their right to free speech. As of two hours ago Kendrick was still rapping about the ludicrous ticketing bubble and dancing to the beat of hole-punching and stub-ripping percussion. Unphased by the chaos, it looked as if Kendrick was pulling a page out of his very own Compton Survival Guide. While the confusion was hectic, it sure made for a great collaboration between the artists and Mr. Trump. Their mixtape drops tomorrow.
One of our newer interns even tried to get tickets to tonight’s concert but was blocked so StubHub and Donald Trump could “figure out what the hell is going on.”