Breaking News: If you were in school today you may have noticed the disappearance of teachers’ door stoppers. Custodial staff patrolled the halls and no door-stop man, door-stop woman, nor door-stop child escaped their clutches. It is known that one door-stop dog stayed safe in Mr. Karle’s room, but it’s been speculated that more are in hiding elsewhere.
That “continue reading” feature is pretty nifty, eh?
Back to the subject at hand.
Why has this crusade been launched against the door-stoppers? Is any classroom safe? Should you paint lamb’s blood on your door-frames?
As for why, we fear the NHS Illuminati may be behind the door-stopper hunt. Now when all doors remain locked, it will be up to most kind students and faculty to open them to students trying to enter the classroom. Like the problem-solver finder at the front doors, the NHS will be using the locked doors to select new candidates for enslavement. The students who most often remain in their seats when an outsider knocks on the door will be selected, as their cold uncaring hearts are most similar to the cold-blooded NHS lizards.
Sadly we fear no classrooms are safe, even if the blood of a spotless lamb covers their door (well maybe that could work, because who would want to go near that?). The NHS has agents in almost every classroom, and there is no way to distinguish them from an average human.
But dear readers, do not be alarmed. For we here at the Macaroni Report have a solution. Soon the door-stoppers will be replaced with something much better, created by yours truly. The door-stoppers will be replaced with a new amazing invention known as– drum-roll please– Door-Starters™!
“What is a Door-Starter™?” you may ask. We here in the Mail Room have spent our lunch breaks, coffee breaks, bathroom breaks, and smoke breaks– even a large portion of our time on the clock– experimenting with door-stopping technology. We tested different types, shapes, and thicknesses of wood and have arrived at a mind boggling conclusion:
You can use pretty much any piece of wood as a door-stopper.
So we spent more of our break-time brainstorming and crafting and have emerged with the Door-Starter™! The Door-Starter™ is equipped with the latest-and-greatest door-stopping technology. Door-Starters™ can open and close doors at the snap of a finger, are trained to hide when any scaly being come within 50 yards, and have just been approved by the Superintendent. They are better, faster, stronger, and most of all inexpensive.
Let your teachers know they will be for sale at your nearest Macaroni Report Store for only $9.95 each. Remember, it’s the only way to fight the NHS Lizards
–Mail Room VP