This article today is coming straight from the Head Chef himself (Me!) and it’s part of the 25% Actually Legit News chunk of our ratio (although it’s not exclusively real news)! What are the chances of all of this happening in one article?!?
BREAKING: Today at 9:00 AM 3/20/2016 the Head Chef (Founder of The Macaroni Report!) was attacked in his own home by a rogue European starling in a home invasion, probably conducted by the Eastern Starling Mafia based out of Europe where European Starlings originated from.
The following is an official statement from local law enforcement after the incident:
Local Law Enforcement stated:
” After our preliminary investigation of the crime scene, searching of the starling in question’s computer, and interview with the victim, whom refused to refer to himself as anything other than Head Chef as well as refused to provide identification, we have determined that the home invasion likely proceeded as follows:
- The invading starling after reading numerous articles on the official Macaroni Report website determined that the likelihood of the Head Chef storing all the company’s revenue in his own home was more likely than not, especially with the large number of interns at the company being suspected of being ex-convicts.
- The starling flew to the location in the early morning as to reduce the probability of being spotted by local bird watchers.
- Upon performing an aerial observation of the home determined that this home was not built to be bird-friendly and that the doors did not have smaller doors meant for birds.
- The starling repeatedly screamed that the Head Chef was “a bird-racist schmuck”, as reported by the neighborhood sheep dog.
- The starling after landing on the roof discovered that the wood-stove exhaust vent was not equipped with anti-bird screens, and proceeded to fly down the chimney and into the wood-stove.
- The starling discovered that wood-stoves are also not built to be bird friendly (no smaller door for birds) and as a result screamed more various anti-human profanities, as reported by the household dogs.
- Unfortunately for the starling, the starling was not aware that the Head Chef was an avid early morning internet user and as a result eventually caught wind of the fact that a starling was attempting to break into his home. The Head Chef, whom had his parents visiting at the time, proceeded to alert his parents to the ongoing home invasion.
- The Head Chef’s father proceeded to place a laundry basket around the entrance to the stove in an attempt to apprehend the invader but it was to no avail, as the starling was able to escape.
- The starling proceeded to fly “all over the goddamn place” as stated by witnesses, and was only stopped when he flew straight into a sliding glass door and knocked himself unconscious, leaving a mark and a splatter.
- He was then carried outside where he was photographed before regaining consciousness and fleeing the scene.
Police are requesting any and all known information on the starling.
The Head Chef was very shocked over the whole incident in the future will be both bird-proofing his chimney as well as installing bird friendly features on his doors as to ward off bird-rights groups.