If you’re an avid reader of the Macaroni Report, you may be aware of the schedule in which we publish our articles. Our scheduling system is very complex, making sure the average reader will return to our website without new articles ready to read. Recently however, an incident involving Intern No. 683 caught our attention.
Like the rest of our staff, Intern No. 683 is a hard-worker. He spends hours laboring over his work, drafting and editing new articles round the clock. He is responsible for some of our greatest self-help articles, with hits such as “Handshakes: It’s All in the Wrist” and “Dieting: Eat Less More” in his portfolio. We here at the Macaroni Report all admired him, and strove to be more like him. He was always working hard to be on time, and he never missed a deadline.
Yesterday however, Intern No. 683 did miss a deadline. While trying to work on an article, 683 was distracted by an annoying coworker who kept sending him “hilarious” cat videos and political memes. As a result of this distraction, 683 uploaded his latest article (“Ties and How to Tie Them”) 1 minute behind schedule. Aware of the consequences this could entail, he tried to ignore his tardiness and continued typing nervously. Some nearby cubicle inhabitants heard the click-clack of his keyboard, and were bewildered that 683 was only typing at a sluggish 150 wpm. They conducted some swift investigation and discovered 683’s late upload on the front page of the Macaroni Report Website.
The news of 683’s failure swept throughout Macaroni Report HQ like wildfire. The office snitch (Boiler Room Intern No. 32) reported 683’s offense to The Head Chef immediately. Sadly, BRI No. 32 is a snitch that won’t be getting stitches, as he was recently devoured by the Furnace Dragon.
Here at the Macaroni Report, we have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to lateness. So when The Head Chef heard the super-legit news he had no choice but to let Intern No. 683 go. Sasquatch shed tears of sorrow as he removed 683’s picture from the Employee of the Month plaque by the front desk. The Employee of the Month Hat was also removed from 683’s head before he left the building.
No one could ever replace 683. Well… our incredibly efficient hiring process already has replaced him with another Intern No. 683, but it just isn’t the same.
Funnily enough, he’s the first intern that has left his job alive since the paper’s founding, as they quite typically meet an untimely demise within their first week of work. We already had a wake planned before someone remembered that 683 hadn’t actually passed away. Many were disappointed by this realization, as we’ve learned to throw pretty great funerals.
We’re still worried about 683’s safety though. The Kitchenette Intern has declared a manhunt to track down No. 683. You see, the Kitchenette Intern has this misguided belief that all interns “know too much,” and must be euthanized if they leave the paper.
In reality we here at the Macaroni Report have nothing to hide from the general public. Or do we?
Best of luck to you 683! Keep writing and keep running.
Thanks for reading
–Mail Room VP