Greenville Lunch: Emergency Alert #3!!!

If you actually bothered to read the title of this article, you know that yes, there is another “food item” being served by Greenville that is highly likely to kill you! Greenville has done it again. We were going to put a disclaimer right here, but apparently everyone ignores those disclaimers anyway, so we’ll put a read-more link here instead. But first… the food item in question is Greenville “Ribs.”

Greenville “Ribs” can in no way shape or form trump the Greenville “Burrito” in disgustingness, but it can trump the square, freezer-burnt Greenville “Fish.” Generally when we picture the source of ribs, we picture some large smelly farm animal. Not a pleasant sight, to be sure, but Greenville gets their “Ribs” from a much more terrifying source. We have reason to believe that the source of these “Ribs” is roadkill. You heard that right. Roadkill.

This would explain a few things. It would explain why many of the ribs within your ribs are broken and mutilated. It would explain why one of the Greenville lunch ladies was spotted walking along Red Mill Road with a pitchfork and a plastic bag. It would explain why they appear to be from no pig or cow that we have ever seen. It would explain why the Greenville “Ribs” bear the distinctive taste of burnt rubber and asphalt. However, it is not just the absolute nastiness of this food that kills people. It has also been identified that the ribs are choking hazards, especially noting that most kids in the cafeteria spend their time stuffing their faces while pummeling their friends or beating each other with water bottles.

Even our very own Broom Closet Sasquatch turned up his nose at the Greenville “Ribs”, and everyone knows that his preferred diet is roadkill. The Furnace Dragon ate a piece, then promptly regurgitated it, along with the long missing intern #234. Unfortunately, Intern #234 later died of infection, from coming into contact with the “Ribs.”

We warn you not to ingest the Greenville “Ribs”. It is obvious that the cafeteria workers are attempting to engage in biological warfare, and indeed it has been shown that the effects of ingesting such a disgusting monstrosity are similar to mustard gas. At very least, don’t eat it because your breath will smell like dog poop that’s been left in the rain too long and been run over by quite a few cars. Honestly, there’s a fifty-fifty shot that that is an ingredient in the Greenville “Ribs” too. And don’t even get me started on the expired buns.

We highly suggest that you boycott the lunchline and buy from the snack stand instead. At least studies have shown that their wraps are only mildly toxic.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Greenville Lunch: Emergency Alert #3!!!

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