If you attend Greenville MS or Greenville HS, you are most certainly aware of the various receptacles around the school labeled NHS Bottle Drive. Until now, the reasons behind the NHS’s bottle collection has been unknown. Our interns have spent months investigating this strange occurrence to no avail. But today a breakthrough was made.
It is now well known that the NHS is a group of lizard people and their human servants. Gellobol Grun the Ruthless (AKA Mr. Albright) has had NHS members gathering plastic bottles and aluminum cans for several months as part of their indentured servitude. They move from classroom to classroom to empty the boxes and bins holding the recyclables.
But why, dear readers? What are the bottles and cans for? The answer may seem more obvious than you would expect.
A Macaroni Report Intern attending Albright’s class today heard something interesting. The intern had been drinking from a plastic water bottle, and the empty container fell off of his desk onto the floor. The quiet clatter of the bottle caught Albright’s attention.
According to the Intern, Mr. Albright then, with a Freudian slip, asked:
“Are you gonna eat tha– I mean… Are you going to donate that to the NHS?”
Yes, dear readers it seems that the Lizard People leading the NHS have a diet which consists at least partially of plastic! The NHS Bottle Drive has simply been a ruse to gather food supplies for the growing population of Lizards, believed by many to be living under the cafeteria.
What should we do in retaliation you ask? Should we halt our bottle donations to the NHS in order to starve them out? No dear readers that is a barbaric and cruel solution.
In place of starvation, I propose we attempt to overfeed the Lizards! The gluttonous NHS leaders will definitely eat all of the bottles we send their way, and grow fat on their increased food supply. The enlarged and satisfied lizards will be much easier for us to combat.
Please join the fight dear readers, donate to the NHS Bottle Drive today!
Thanks for reading.
–Mail Room VP