Breaking News: We here in the Macaroni Report Mail Room recently were the victims (and cause) of a raging mail fire. We’ve lost all of the mail (lucky, considering our pink slips were rumored to be on the way) and we know the cause.
“What sparked the fire?” you ask. Did our
paper shredder mail sorting machine overheat? Did the burn barrel we use to keep the room warm run its fiery appendages over our heaps and heaps of tax forms? Is the fire another negative effect of our on-the-job smoking* habits?
No, the fire was not a result of one of our good old violations of office-space safety. It was a result of our good new violation of office-space safety: experimenting with electronics.
You see, last week when we were designing the new Door-Starter™ (buy yours in the nearest Macaroni Report Store) we felt incredibly rushed to meet the demand of the door-stopperless teachers before they recovered from their losses. In the rush to enter the market, we failed to complete testing on the Door-Starter™. The ones on sale right now are simply prototypes. Only a fool would send such dangerous, unstable merchandise to market and disregard the possible bad karma it entailed.
Sadly, we here in the Mail Room aren’t hailed for our intelligence, or our good karma.
Yesterday, one of our early prototypes was still in the Mail Room, buried in the trash pile (which mostly consisted of college letters addressed to our high school interns). While the Mail Room CEO, Mail Room Subordinate, and I were hard at work packaging Door-Starters™ to ship to market, Broom Closet Sasquatch entered the room.
Broom Closet Sasquatch, claiming he had discovered a new green alternative to burning fossil fuels, snapped his fingers in pride. We here in the Mail Room, busy trying to vacate Sasquatch and his loud rambling from the Mail Room, didn’t hear the muffled vibration of the Door-Starter™ prototype whirring to life under the trash pile. The thunderous click of BCS’s fingers must have activated the faulty prototype’s “Snap-On” sensors, causing it to hum to life, trying feverishly to move the door it wasn’t attached to. The prototype began sparking in frustration, lighting the contents of the trash heap aflame.
Smelling the smoke, the Mail Room CEO turned to scold me and the Mail Room Subordinate for smoking* in the workplace again, but was shocked to see that our fingers and our lips were empty. The three of us turned simultaneously, in comedic fashion, to notice the orange inferno that was forming out of the white pile of paper, pamphlets, and glossy pictures of attractive, diverse university students.
We rushed from the Mail Room, with manly screams escaping our lips. The rest of the interns heard our cries and fled with us. Some were heard singing “Ryan Started The Fire” on a loop as they piled into the elevators. The Kitchenette Intern tried to save some of the contents of the kitchenette, but I feel it didn’t make any difference since he usually burns them anyway. The Archivist and his interns carried armloads of 1st edition encyclopedias and old newspapers, in a desperate attempt to preserve information that already exists online. And Sasquatch bawled as all of the perfectly recyclable paper in the Mail Room went up in flames.
Everyone made it out safely (except maybe those in the boiler room, but they’re used to dangerous, high temperature situations). The fire department arrived promptly, and they were able to put out the fire before it spread out of the Mail Room, but all of our mail was lost in the blaze. Please send us more mail soon, so we can rebuild our comfy beds of packing peanuts and envelopes. And remember reader, what a depressed hobo/ape-creature muttered through his tears:
Only you can prevent Door-Starter™ related mail fires!
Thanks for reading.
–Mail Room VP
*Disclaimer: We here at the Macaroni Report do not endorse smoking in any way. Especially since the Sorcerer of Greenville would turn our lungs into frogs if we did.