Corridor Conversation #2: Lizards, Legends, and Love

It’s that time again folks. I dug myself out of my bed of envelopes and packing peanuts to explore the Macaroni Report Office. While navigating the mazelike floors of our building I stopped to ask my coworkers and office inhabitants the NHS, Sasquatch, and Love. Let’s get to it.

What is the best way for one to protect themselves from the NHS hordes?

“Well, there are numerous things you can do. I personally have a metal plate inserted around my brain in order to prevent myself from falling victim to their mind-controlling powers.”

–Mail Room CEO

“I find that making yourself as a large and loud as possible usually scares of the timid lizards. Assert dominance and hiss with all of your might.”

–Intern No. 493

“As cold and heartless lizard creatures, they are naturally drawn to heat, so scorching them to death works nicely for me, personally. If you`re not as prolific with mastery of fire breathing as I am, however (first of all, why not?), then I’ve found they are easily attracted to shiny decoys such as pennies, or empty cans and bottles.”

–Furnace Dragon

“Tin-foil hats and MLG Anti-Virus”

–The Head Chef

“From my experience tin foil hats work well. Since the NHS works to gather intelligent problem solvers for their organization, you can pretend to be dumb and blend in with the folks who come from “Medusi.” I’ve also heard rumors that lizards hate salsa, so rubbing your entire body with salsa also works well.”

–Kitchenette Intern

“To guard against the NHS one should constantly have garlic and some sage on hand. If you see one of these robed creatures, drive a stake directly through their hearts and if that doesn’t work, turn on the lights and douse them in holy water. ”

–Mail Room Subordinate

What’s your opinion on Broom Closet Sasquatch? Do you believe he is a creature of legend, or a crazed hermit?

“The Broom Closet Sasquatch is whatever you want him to be. If you allow him to be a Sasquatch he shall be one but don’t feed his image because if you do he will overcome you and you will begin ranting ceaselessly about the environment.”

–Mail Room Subordinate

“I still insist that the Broom Closet Sasquatch is a member of the dangerous species known as the Deep South Oklahoman, so that would make him both a creature of legend and a crazed hermit.”

–Kitchenette Intern

“Obviously a creature of legend. No human could smell that bad.”
–Mail Room CEO

“Sasquatch is clearly a creature of legend. No man could maintain such a crazed persona for as long as he has.”

–Intern No. 237

“He’s just a Sasquatch trying to find his place in the world.”

–The Head Chef

“I don’t care what he is, I just wish he would stop barging in the boiler room and interrupting my morning intern-eating hour with his garbled nonsense and blaming me for things like missing doorstops. He seems well intentioned enough though, aside from some occasional homicidal (genocidal?) tendencies and lackadaisical hygiene.”

–Furnace Dragon

What is love?

“Love is the feeling that you get when you bite into a corn dog.”

–Kitchenette Intern

“Discovering the ancient origins of the meme.”

–The Head Chef

“Love is unlikely, unrealistic, and fleeting. No wait, sorry-that’s the chances of this year’s snow days. Love is snow days.”

–Furnace Dragon

“Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t Hurt me. No more. What is love?”

–Mail Room CEO, Interns No. 1-417, 419-680, 682-899, and 901-999

“If I knew, I probably wouldn’t be here right now.”

–Mail Room Subordinate

What wonderful responses. So what have I learned about our glorious office on this anxious outing? I’ve heard rumors of a talking vending machine existing somewhere in the MR HQ, but none responded when I asked them questions. I’ve also heard murmurs about the Macaroni Report starting an advice column.

If you need any advice on any subject, just send it here to me in the Mail Room (, and I’ll pass it along to whichever intern decides to run the column.

Thanks for reading

–Mail Room VP

Corridor Conversation #2: Lizards, Legends, and Love

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