Once upon a time there was a guy named Joey. One day, Joey visited the lab of a man named Bill and found that Bill had made a time machine. Bill asked Joey if he could test his time machine by going ten years into the future and seeing what America was like. Joey said yes. So Bill sent him off to the future.
This tale is a 100% true story of the future. Click here to read the entire thing.
Joey exited the time machine and found himself in a massive city filled with decrepit apartment buildings. On the sides of those buildings were massive propaganda posters with pictures of Donald Trump. One of them showed Donald Trump kissing a baby. One of them showed Donald Trump receiving a fascist salute from a crowd. One of them showed Trump riding shirtless on a horse hand-in-hand with Vladimir Putin, also shirtless on a horse.
“What happened here?” cried Joey. “What is going on?” A woman walking along the street with a young child took interest in Joey and asked him who he was, and if anything was wrong. “My name is Joey, and I time-traveled here from ten years ago,” said Joey. “Please, can you tell me what is going on?” “Sure,” said the woman. “It’s a long and horrible story. Come walk with me, and I’ll tell you. My name is Wilma by the way, and this little girl is Sarah.”
“Ten years ago,” said Wilma, “Trump won the Republican primaries. Hilary won the democratic primaries, but then she got indicted because everyone finally realized that she was a criminal. So Trump was really the only candidate left, and he just won.”
“Wait a second,” said Joey. “Are you and Sarah homeless?”
“Yeah,” said Wilma. “There used to be some law that if a town absolutely needed to build a sewer or something, they could take your property as long as they compensated you. Well, Trump decided to expand on that and say that an apartment building makes good tax money for the town, so if the town just happens to want to build an apartment building, they can take your land. Trump’s had that idea in the works for years. Now there are all these apartment buildings around, and no one has houses anymore.” Joey just stared in shock.
“Mommy,” piped up little Sarah. “I’m hungry. Can I go buy a snack?”
“No, honey, I’m sorry,” said Wilma. “Some of us don’t just have small loans of a million dollars lying around. Anyway Trump and Putin were already great friends when Trump became president, because of that one time they met in the green room of some TV show for like ten minutes. So now they do all sorts of propaganda together. Trump repealed the law that said that presidents can only run for two terms, and he rigs the voting each year. He kicked all the Muslims out of our country. He deported all Mexican immigrants, regardless of whether they were legal or not, and then he built a wall. He sued Mexico for the bill, and when they didn’t pay, we went to war. We’re still at war right now. Trump’s encouraging us to commit war crimes and murder the women and children.”
“Trump didn’t like something that Angela Merkel said, so he tried to fire her. When he found out that he couldn’t fire the leader of another country, he just had her assassinated instead. He lynched Megyn Kelley. He removed black voting rights, because he said that ‘all the blacks love me’ and that we ‘all knew that he would get all their votes anyway’. He now openly funds the KKK.”
“He said he was going to fix the economy, but he never did anything. We’ve already declared bankruptcy four times. He didn’t even bother to learn the names of foreign ministers. Instead he hired “the best people” to tell him the names of these foreign minsters whenever he felt it was important – which is almost never. He outlawed vaccines because, ‘there is a chance that they may cause autism.’ ”
Joey looked on in horror. “How could someone so horrible become our leader?” he asked.
Wilma looked around nervously. “You shouldn’t say things like that,” she whispered.
“I mean, just look at his hair,” continued Joey. “No sane human being -” But Joey cut off as he noticed the cameras fixed on him. They were all over the buildings. Out of nowhere five cars pulled up, and out piled buff men with guns. One of them punched Joey in the face, gagged his mouth, and threw him into the trunk.
Three hours after Bill sent Joey into the time machine, Joey returned. Bill found his friend beat up, wearing an eye patch, and shaved bald. Joey wouldn’t tell Bill what happened after the abduction, except for repeating the phrase “Big Trump is Watching You.”
This is a 100% true story. Joey happened to be our very own intern #907. We warn you: do NOT elect Trump. Please don’t.
This message is brought to you in part by the Ted Cruz for President Foundation and Bernie Sanders’ Dank Meme Stash.