Demented Bunny Rabbit Haunts Crossgates Mall

Breaking News has recently broke. A demented Bunny Rabbit has been spotted stalking the hallways of Crossgates Mall, and the police are looking for information on his whereabouts. Sightings peg the bunny as brown and white, possibly rabid, and with an expression on his face “which suggests he downed an entire bottle of anti-depressant pills at once.” This rabbit is extremely dangerous, and should not be approached if spotted.

For the last 30 years, the bunny appears in the mall for a period of approximately one month before disappearing back to his hidden lair. When that period of terror begins constantly changes, and while some claim that we can use the lunar cycle to predict his coming, in truth he is much too erratic. Reportedly, there is some secret underground cult that worships this bunny made up of the parents of young children, and each year they bring their children to the mall in the hopes that he can bless the children. Very few children actually wish to join their parents cult, as is evident by the witness-reported wailing that can be heard throughout the mall whenever one of these tiny tots encounters the demonic creature.

Eyewitness reports say that the bunny is often surrounded by a troop of cult followers, elite bodyguards armed with cameras that they use to blackmail people into keeping his location hidden. Police have been looking for this rabbit for decades, ever since the Great Victoria’s Secret Murder of ’97. The suspect of that famous incident was reported as large, insanely happy, unusually hairy, very ugly, and scantily clad, which perfectly matches the description of said bunny.

There are various theories about who or what this bunny actually is. Some witnesses believe that he is actually a child molester, and is offering baskets of chocolates to kids if they follow him into his “big white van.” Approximately 80% of the witnesses claimed that the suspect has broken into their house at least once, with over 95% of those saying he has broken in 5 or more times. They say that he then leaves “disturbing” gifts for their children. One witness ranted about how the bunny has left rabbit pellets all over her lawn on the night of April 7th for the last 30 years.

New rumors have also spread that the rabbit has expanded his territory to now include Colonie Center as well, though we urge readers not to jump to unjustified conclusions.

Police are advising all people visiting Crossgates Mall to constantly be alert, keep a close eye on any small children at all times, and avoid dressing rooms. They are asking people who plan on shopping with children under the age of 8 to carry pepper spray or mace in an easy to reach position, and avoid travelling within two hundred feet of the Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Department. If you would like to report a sighting or missing child, please call the toll free number (518) 656-7841.

-Kitchenette Intern

(Note: Despite some recent suspicions, an independent third-party has determined that the Broom Closet Sasquatch is not the demented bunny rabbit, nor is he the man/creature responsible for the Great Victoria’s Secret Murder of ’97, despite the similar descriptions.)
Demented Bunny Rabbit Haunts Crossgates Mall

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