The Macaroni Guide to Getting Rich Quick

Let’s face it: in this day and age, life is all about money, and we all want to get rich with minimum effort. They say that money can’t buy happiness, but money can buy food, which leads to happiness. Since some of us don’t have small loans of a million dollars lying around, here are some foolproof ideas to getting rich quick with hopefully minimal effort.

  1. Invent Something – If you invent something really amazing, then you get to license it to somebody else, and then sit back and watch the dough roll in. This is how Mr. Thela got rich, as he invented the amazing ceramic turkey. Note that you do require a brain and intelligence to complete this idea, so if you don’t match either of those criteria, try one of our other options.
  2. Ask for a Small Loan of Million Dollars -Okay, so it probably won’t work, but it never hurts to try.
  3. Feign Injury and Sue Someone – A surprisingly doable tactic. Easier lawsuits include the slip-on-the-wet-floor-without-a-sign or the this-food-is-not-clean lawsuits. More rewarding lawsuits include the I-stepped-on-an-unsafe-nail-sticking-out-of-your-floor or the bitten-by-your-dog lawsuit (soaking your underwear in raw meat is a great strategy for that last one).
  4. Steal Things – We are not advocating stealing, but if you steal stuff you can get rich quick, and no one will ever know its you if you never get caught. (hint, hint, wink, wink)
  5. Save Everything – If you never spend any money, you will eventually have a lot of money (simple logic people). Don’t buy anything. ANYTHING. Don’t even spend any money on food; you can eat grubs for sustenance (this was, unsurprisingly, the suggestion of the Broom Closet Sasquatch).
  6. Buy and Sell Endangered Animals – A surprisingly lucrative market. Who would think so many people want live hyenas that are capable of biting your face off?
  7. Become the Next Magic Mike – It’s amazing what plastic surgery can do nowadays.
  8. Spend all your money on Lottery Tickets – Despite what some idiots may tell you, spending all of your hard-earned money on lottery tickets in the hopes that you will win more money is a surprisingly successful strategy. Just ask that guy from the movie Lottery Ticket.

If these tactics don’t work, than congratulations, because you officially have to actually do hard work in order to make your money. That means that you are not a long-lost member of the Kardashian family, unfortunately. And a word to the wise: we highly suggest that if you do become rich, you spend your money on buying a doomsday bunker, many shotguns, and a hell-of-a-lot of baked beans, because the NHS apocalypse is coming. Soon…

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern


The Macaroni Guide to Getting Rich Quick

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