Hey Macaroni readers! We’re coming to you from sunny paradise to bring you the latest account of our international world domination scheme! Click below to see the latest stats!
It’s that time of year again. All the little Greenvillians are running off to devour chocolate and search their yards for Easter eggs… not really. This “Easter” break will be a little different, seeing as this year it is not Easter break. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy yourself. We at the Macaroni like to embrace our inner “spring-break-TV-show-on-MTV” side and go on a company vacation each year. This year, we’re going to the beach. That means that most likely you won’t be seeing any articles over break, seeing as we have better things to do, but hey, you never know. And we can assure you, the Master and his evil NHS minions will never get a hold of our account this time, since the Broom Closet Sasquatch is leaving his magic gophers behind to guard our facility. That being said we hope that you enjoy yourselves! Try not to die via a pot or get brainwashed by IB courses or become a Trump supporter over break. We hope you don’t, as we still value you (mainly because you increase our viewer count). So, happy break from the Head Chef, Kitchenette Intern, Mailroom crew (CEO, VP, and Subordinate), the boilerroom interns, Dr. Kierbutt, our archival committee, Broom Closet Sasquatch, Richard Nixon, the Furnace Dragon, and our magic gopher pets.
Here we go again readers. For the third time I have escaped the Mail Room to interview the office’s employees about only the most important and interesting topics. Let’s see what we can learn about them today. Continue reading “Corridor Conversation #3: Theater, Thoughts, and Thumbs”
We would like to report to our viewers that Operation BigMac has officially come to an end. We have successfully achieved our goal of posturing and intimidating smaller less reputable news organizations. In light of this success, we have postponed our originally planned second initiative, Operation McNuggets, which would have involved a more total warfare strategy.
In other news, we are still ready to begin Operation MacDaddy, in which we will launch a massive investigation to identify ‘the master’. This may or may not involve corporate espionage within the school office, and unsanctioned assassinations.
(Editor’s Note: Just because operation BigMac is complete doesn’t mean that you won’t still be seeing some new parody articles of the Maroon Report on here floating around. This is the Macaroni Report were talking about after all).
Breaking: Once again the next-gen construction crews of Greenville have managed to break the water main during their marathon production of no sidewalk. The break was announced to staff through an email around 10:55 – 11:00 AM and students were only notified 15-20 minutes later through a public announcement at 11:15.
We would like to make note that apparently the time that water must be restored by in order for the school to not evacuate is 2 hours, not the 45 minutes we reporter earlier. Either way however the water will still probably be brown for a solid 10 minutes (or however long it takes people it to start drinking the fountain water again) after the water is restored.
“Don’t drink the water”
–Intern No. 803
Breaking News: It has come to our attention that there have been massive protests around New York’s capital to (as quoted from one protesters sign) “legalize pot.” Being the amazing news agency that we are, we decided to check this out, seeing as at least 38 of our interns say they have pots and/or pot in or around their houses, and we are obviously worried about any potentially illegal activities of our employees. Despite extensive investigation into New York’s legal system, our investigative intern assigned to the case, intern #348, was unable to find any laws clearly making “pot” illegal. Recent investigation into federal law led to similar results.
[OPERATION BIGMAC] Struck by the distant but ever lingering 2008 financial crisis, the Underwater Basket Weaving Committee (or UWBWC) has been experiencing significant revenue and member loss after it was determined in 2008 that underwater basket weaving was and is still not a valuable degree to waste thousands of dollars on. Shocked by the discovery, the UWBWC has issued several statements in response namely in order to reassure members that underwater basket weaving is in-fact “still a valuable and promising degree for all your tropical themed careers”.