Macaroni Report Public Apology the First

We at the Macaroni report would like to issue the first in what is sure to be a long line of awkward half apologies. We understand that some members of the community and surrounding area, feel need to censor our production. We are unsure as to what exactly is as offensive or dangerous as to require being removed from an online production, but we are sure that we did not mean to offend anybody with our “rude and unjustified comments”

That being said, read on if you are prepared to have your argument shredded like a head of cabbage in a barrel of feral cats

Before we go on, I would like to extend a warning to any poor, sensitive readers, who may be easily upset or frightened. The following sentences will not be nice. Nor will they refrain from expressing my honest opinion on several topics, the least insulting of which is the censorship of an online, locally based, student run, non-profit, “onion-esque” newspaper. So please dear readers turn your head and cover your eyes, to prevent damaging your delicate mind.

Now for the fun part. First off: who cares what is printed in an online newspaper. We obviously write parodies, as more than half of our articles reference fake statistics or facts. Beyond that, many of the things we insult, we are directly involved with, so it’s more like insulting ourselves, AND, these insults are more like half- baked jokes, designed to entertain our readers. For those of you who do not understand what this means, it means that our articles, for the most part, are all meant in good fun. Even now, I do not actually wish to offend anyone, nor do I actually believe several things I will rant about shortly. For those of you who are offended by our content, we advise you to simply not read it. We are a single, obscure dot, in the midst of the largest collection of public knowledge ever compiled. If you don’t like our content, then find one of the 10,000,000 other news sources to read, such as CNN or even the Onion itself. For those of you who find even these too belligerent, we suggest a more controlled source such as Ranger Rick, or maybe the Maroon Report

Next off, we question anyone to find something that is actually so crass or vulgar that it insults you. Asides from one mention in an old article, we have been able to find only a single word that we find inappropriate for readers of a younger age. For those of you are insulted because of our use of the word ‘penis’ in an article, we would like to remind you that that is simply part of our anatomy. Would you object if we had used the word ovaries, or possibly vas deferens? No, of course not but yet there is no difference. Even if this is vulgar, we would remind you that we have never advertised ourselves to younger readers, and that if you are showing this to young children, it’s your own fault.

If any of you still have a problem with what we write, it’s most likely because we are criticizing something you actually care about. In this case, you are clearly a hyprocrititc a-hole, who enjoys reading articles making fun of things other people probably care about, but if we choose to target something you care about then you suddenly feel some self-righteous calling to defend it. Well guess what. That actually makes you a horrible person, so yeah. Go eat a barrel of lemons soaked in monkey piss.

Now that that’s out of the way, hopefully you have a better understanding of what’s going on here. We are not a reliable news source. We are not trying to wage some war on all that is unjust in society (for the most part at least) We are just a group of sort of talented individuals trying to make other people enjoy their lives a little bit more (or feel bad about themselves). So, for those of you who want to take control of us, and want to make sure we are “appropriate” then go blow it out your bagpipes, because we aren’t changing. And for those of you who are want to shut us down because we point out flaws in the school and community, if you fixed those problems, we wouldn’t write about it, and it wouldn’t matter. We know that you don’t want us to damage your delicate ego, but just realize that we just want to make fun of things. If you can’t deal with it, then you can just go read something else. Otherwise, we urge you to just learn to make fun of yourself. It makes life a lot more fun.

 

 

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Macaroni Report Public Apology the First

2 thoughts on “Macaroni Report Public Apology the First

  1. idonotapproveofthatnickname says:

    Sasquatch 1, everyone else 0.

    I mean, you did insinuate everyone has a penis, but honestly it doesn’t even matter because this is my favorite thing any of us have written yet.

    Like

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