A ongoing standoff between Greenville School and the “free” press has come to a precipice in the last week, when the attempted printing of the Maroon Report was forced to a screeching halt after one of their staff was taken captive.
The Maroon Report, for our readers who may be foreign to Greenville High School (or just living under a rock, which Sasquatch maintains is an eco-friendly alternative to dealing with society at large), is the off-brand Macaroni Report. They are the Annie`s to our Kraft; too cheesy, a little overdone, and not at all colored or shaped like your cartoon character of choice. In the past, what with the whole attempted absorption debacle, we here at the Macaroni Report have not exactly been their biggest supporters (unless you can count routinely destroying and lamenting their paper as a new hip form of support).
Anyway, as the Maroon Report is tethered to the school via their funding in a way we are not, every word they put out has to be run past the administrative elites of Greenville to ensure their propagandic message does not step out of line. In anticipation of printing, the staff of the Maroon Report reportedly delivered their paper to Mr. Hilgendorff several weeks ago, making sure to back away slowly and not make eye contact after presenting it to him. As the print date grew nearer, the students became increasingly more concerned about the fact that the drafted copy still had yet to arrive back to them with the usual amounts of military-style blackouts and questionable bite marks they had always taken to be stamps of approval.
Finally, it was decided by several hastily shouted rounds of “Not it!” that one of the freshmen members of the Maroon Report (of which there are many) was to go down into the depths of the main office and attempt to extract the coveted approved copy. This was no small task, as the main offices were specifically renovated over the last year to mimic the interior architecture of ancient pyramids, complete with several decoy offices and conference rooms to throw any potential stray students off the scent. Nevertheless, the plucky and perhaps just a little rash young journalist ventured into the depths of the offices. That was the last anyone saw of her that Friday. Her parents frantically telephoned the school after she failed to return home all weekend, but they only were able to get ahold of the bearded advisor for the Maroon Report, who simply remarked, “Oh, she`s fine…Or, she will be, anyway. Probably. Don`t worry about it.”
When Monday came, it became pretty clear this prolonged absence was not one of the usual staff disappearances, but an intentful kidnapping. Since nobody else wanted to voluntarily step inside the administrative labyrinth in fear of following in their colleague`s footsteps, negotiations were carried out through a series of post-it notes slipped underneath the main door to the administrative offices. It is unclear the extent the bartering ultimately reached before the hostage Maroon Report member, tattered and clutching the approved draft, was released, but sources were able to disclose mention of “vertically integrated NHS and SADD advertisements”.
The newly freed Maroon Report staff member, who claims to remember nothing between opening the office door and stepping back out into the harsh florescent school lighting three days later, has been prescripted orange juice and Hall Talk duty by the school nurse to ensure a speedy recovery. Nobody is quite sure what exactly prompted these drastic measures by the school, but we have received word that, barring any more unforeseen kidnappings, the Maroon Report is back on track to soon bring you the news the Macaroni Report covered three months ago.