Asbestos Mutations: Coming for us All?

Editor’s Note: This article is part of a new initiative, code-named BigMac, that we just developed yesterday. It has recently been noted that the Maroon Report has rushed to get out their latest issue as fast as they can, possibly due to threats of competition. We obviously can’t allow ourselves to stagnate, so the Kitchenette Intern has been appointed the duty of publishing a Brand New, Completely Original, Not Ripped Right Out of the Maroon Report Article every day for the next week or so. So here it is.

It’s a well known fact that Greenville school is totally infected with asbestos. This is one very nasty substance, but it would cost the school money to get it removed, and we all know that Greenville has none of that. In light of the recent “mountain farming” money-making scheme, there are many that are worried about Asbestos contamination.

The villainous asbestos has a name derived from an ancient and mysterious word, “best”, which is believed to mean ‘most awesome.’ However this name was created as an evil trick just like the Vikings naming that icy lump of uselessness out in the Atlantic Greenland. Idiots have been using, and occasionally eating, asbestos since the Stone Age. Some people decided that buildings could be built with it, hence our current predicament. However, it is now known that Asbestos causes radioactive mutations which can lead to the growth of multiple arms and/or transformation into a mutant bat person. Intern #46 called asbestos “stupid”, going on to state that “we should get rid of it.” According to the National Enquirer, the sightings of radioactive bat people created by Asbestos has “quadrupled” between 1674 and 2010.

Greenville high school is well known for having chunks of asbestos stuffed in every corner of every classroom in an attempt to “ward off evil spirits.” It’s as ingrained in our Greenvillian society as the infamous Greenville “Burrito” – disgusting, hideous, unwanted, tasting absolutely nasty, and generally lethal. In the elementary school, there is suspicion that asbestos is force-fed to the children during lunch time. Every 3 years or so, the state of Greenville’s asbestos situation has to be inspected by a member of the International Radioactive Mutation Safety Association (IRMSA), but it is well known that most of the time the “inspector” is some underpaid doofus who can’t even spell asbestos. However, according to a health class report from intern #892, “there’s a lot of asbestos around here, and it sucks.” Furthermore, “a lot of children are mutating at the hands of asbestos.” According to Greenville’s asbestos training manual, mountain farming is cited as one of key sources of asbestos leaks. According to intern #571,  physical education student, “it seems like every year, some person tries mountain farming and breaks the floor.” The school has of course stated that these are unsanctioned incidents, but the reports of children growing three eyes has spiked following each incident. Greenville school has stated that when they replace the floor yet again, they may or may not remove the asbestos under the gym, saying it depends on whether or not they actually are willing to spend any money on something as lowly as children’s welfare.

What will Greenville choose to do about this radioactive menace which has left some poor students with the appearance of a warty and pimply Cthulu? Well, more so than usual that is. Even the full destruction of the school would cause problems, seeing as then we wouldn’t have a school. The proper removal of this asbestos would cost money, something which the school is highly unlikely to spend, especially after not spending a single dime by choice for the last twenty-two years. Also, the IRMSA estimates that 32 other schools across the known-universe also contain asbestos, so Greenville will probably say “look, other people don’t worry about student welfare too!” and not do anything. It looks like were going to be having a lot more students spontaneously growing extra appendages in the future.

Eat asbestos responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Editor’s Note #2: Since the Maroon Report was nice enough to run an advertisement for the Macaroni, we feel obligated to also run an advertisement for them. So here goes.

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