As many of those forced to purchase the amazing Greenville Lunches, which have the incredible ability to be both under and overcooked at the same time, while still hovering just below the required nutritional level of Ethiopian prisons, Greenville has for some reason, released the same meal two days in a row. While this may be perplexing to most, we at the Macaroni report know that in fact, this was caused by an infestation of magic gophers. These insatiable critters broke into the school through a temporarily misplaced window and found their way to the kitchen by following the trail of destruction left by two misplaced golfers who mistook the schools organized hallways for the location of their mini-golf tournament. Once into the kitchen, they proceeded to eat everything beginning with the letter A. Unfortunately, this proved insufficient to fuel their magic spells, and they proceeded to eat everything that didn’t begin with the letter Q. Although this may have proved catastrophic for most schools, Greenville was able to save the day through their cardboard substitution initiative (CSI). Their recently approved cardboard substitutes of bread and meat, coupled with 3 tons of stale cheez-whiz discovered in the men’s lavatory, proved sufficient to supply the starving masses with semi nutritious cheese and cardboard sandwiches.
Meanwhile, we at the Macaroni Report came to the rescue. The Sasquatch apparently, runs a pest control business out of his closet, and when he learned of the presence of magic gophers, immediately dispatched his top professional (himself) and, armed with three bags of packing peanuts, a spray bottle of flower nectar, and ten spider monkeys (don’t ask), traveled to the school in order to deal with the problem. This led to an unfortunate confrontation with the actual exterminator hired to remove the rodents, terminating with the unfortunate exterminator being discovered days later in the heating vent over the cafeteria. Meanwhile, the gophers were successfully removed, only to be relocated to the Macaroni Report Headquarters. Although the Sasquatch insists they are safely contained within his menagerie, we experienced several odd occurrences with food going missing after being left out, and belt buckles being taken and replaced with shoe laces. So in other news the Macaroni Report is proud to welcome our newest members, mostly because we can’t convince the Sasquatch to get rid of them.