Looking for an easy and generic categorization that will somehow encapsulate and sum up all the many unique facets that make up you as a human being? Need some direction in your life only a mysterious and incredibly superstitious entity can provide? Well, you`re in luck! In the wake of our outrageous burst of fame from recent publicity in the Greenville Pioneer, we have decided to appeal to a wider audience while also gaining some small revenue by introducing weekly, semi-sponsored, super-legit horoscopes.
Aries (March 21th-April 19th): Your dreams will soar. Far, far above you, whipping in the wind like a stringless kite, they will look so small on the blinding oblivion of blue. They will grow smaller as they rise. Those were once your dreams, way up there, aren`t you just overwhelmed with pride? Wait, where are they going? Why can`t you see them anymore?
Taurus (April 20th-May 20th): Quiet introspection is the key to happiness. Sit in the corner of the local post office (or any other obsolete municipal building) and look deep, deep inside yourself. Look into the abyss, and let the abyss look back at you. Don`t like that judgey look in the abyss` eyes? Read the backs of some postcards to cheer yourself up.
Gemini (May 21st-June 20th): Your star chart looks especially bright this week. Make sure you wear some sunscreen and protective eyewear, because as my mother always tells me, “Nobody likes to be friends with a tomato, Sylvia. Nobody likes one for a daughter, either.”
Cancer (June 21st-July 22nd): It`s terminal. Cash out now and get started on that bucket list, buddy.
Leo (July 23rd-August 22nd): It`s time to get back to your roots. Spread your feet deep, deep into the soil, and let the earthworms squirm around you, confused too see you so soon, just like your parents were confused that you wanted to major in Mortuary Science. There`s no place like home, am I right?
Virgo (August 23rd-September 22nd): Your spirit color is yellow! Let others know this by smearing yourself with daffodil innards and introducing yourself to those around you by saying, “Yellow, my name is…” even if they know full well what your name is.
Libra (September 23rd- October 22nd): Still think this is hippie bullshit? Well, you`re probably right. Gosh, you`re such an independent thinker. I`m so proud of you! What a classic Libra, am I right?
Scorpio (October 23rd-November 21st): Today, anything is possible. Could you run a marathon? Possibly. Survive a lightning strike? There`s a chance? So why not take a chance on Burger King`s Spam and Cheese Burger™! Does it contain real cheese? It`s possible. Anything is possible.*
Sagittarius (November 22nd-December 21st): Wait, what was that? Just there…you saw it, right? No, don`t turn around. Best not to let it know you know. But you know, right? Right? Never mind, just forget it. You`d be much better off, believe me. Forget everything. You are nothing now, nobody. Just don`t turn around.
Capricorn (December 22nd-January 19th): The endless grind of the world is especially unrelenting for you this week, and may be draining away some of your creative energy. Downing a shot of silver polish will help to fully open up your true potential.
Aquarius (January 20th-February 18th): Isn`t there something you were supposed to do?
Pisces (February 19th-March 20th): Tomorrow will be sunny with some scattered showers later on in the day. The high of 62 will make you think that pair of shorts is acceptable. It`s not. That`s never acceptable. Get your reflective thighs out of my face. Other than possible thunderstorm warnings next Tuesday night, the outlook for rest of the week is clear and dry, just like the outlook for your life in general.
*This week`s horoscopes are brought to you by Burger King. (Burger King: Embrace the possibility)
Editor’s Note: After a thorough investigation, it appears that our HR branch misread “psychotic tendencies” for “psychic tendencies” on Intern 57`s job application form. Those responsible have been fired, along with Intern 57 herself. The Macaroni Report would like to profoundly apologize for any distress or bodily harm her disturbing “predictions” may have caused.