History of Bryant’s Square Horror Show uncovered

BigMac initiative article #5

Luckily for the population of Greenville, few remember the infamous “make shopping fun” initiative of Bryant’s in 1991. This intiative was put into play when the Bryant’s owners realize that their stores popularity was taking a serious hit. They ultimately decided to turn it into a “playground of death” in which all shoppers who were unsatisfied by the store were eliminated before they could get home and write bad yelp reviews.

When surveyed, most Greenville adults do not recall the incident, though it would be better to say that they choose not to remember it. In order to stop the influx of negative reviews, the owner of Bryant’s completely misread a business seminar and decided that violence is the best option. The owner installed two nine-foot tall animatronic torture machines shipped in from the deep south, which were notorious for beating up children when people weren’t looking, and singing annoyingly happy songs in a threatening manner as a form of intimidation. These now reside at the latest local house of torture, Sunny Hill, notorious for acquiring cheap child labor to run their business.

In addition to these terrifying contraptions, there was also a train that employees would use to run down those that refused to buy Bryant’s on-sale produce. “You would sit there waiting for your cold cuts and then – BAM – squished flat by a train,” recounts one long-time employee, who wishes to remain anonymous for her own safety.

The grocery stores bakery was set up like something “straight out of the world of Mad Max,” and was notorious for its many shootings a year. Current Tops employees say that it is still half set up in the back room, just in case anyone who enters the store needs to be shaken down a little.

Terrifying to all was the stuffed raccoon displayed stuck up on a pole, showing for all to see that the store owners weren’t above killing cute little furry animals, so they wouldn’t be above killing you. The raccoon was known to erratically twitch around a bit on the pole leading some to believe that the Bryant’s staff were keeping the poor animal alive, refusing to end it’s misery.

This ‘unique’ setup has been described in different ways; the train has been called “terrifying”, while the animatronics were referred to as “horrifying.” Roughly 25 years ago, many people would vacation in Greenville (this was before people realized that Greenville kind of sucks), and the main attraction would be to come to Bryant’s and watch with a sick fascination as people were tortured by the humongous machines. One tourist that we actually managed to dig up commented, “My children would be mesmerized as the awful machines did their awful work.”

Luckily, most people choose not to remember this horrible experience. If there was not photo evidence of this horrible era (Due to the graphic nature of the photos, we are not allowed to post any in this article), than many would probably choose not to believe it, just as many still deny the holocaust happened. Luckily, eventually someone knocked some sense into the villainous mastermind behind the Bryant’s house of horrors, and all of the torture devices were scrapped. All except one, the mutilated horse that has a face contorted in agony which lurks at the front of the store, engulfing young children’s pocket change.

Now however, the Bryant family has moved on, and the store is owned by an even worse villainous group: Tops friendly markets, which unceasingly tortures us with high prices and overripe bananas.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

History of Bryant’s Square Horror Show uncovered

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