Breaking News: It has come to our attention that there have been massive protests around New York’s capital to (as quoted from one protesters sign) “legalize pot.” Being the amazing news agency that we are, we decided to check this out, seeing as at least 38 of our interns say they have pots and/or pot in or around their houses, and we are obviously worried about any potentially illegal activities of our employees. Despite extensive investigation into New York’s legal system, our investigative intern assigned to the case, intern #348, was unable to find any laws clearly making “pot” illegal. Recent investigation into federal law led to similar results.
“I just can’t understand it,” said intern #348. “I’m pretty sure that pots are legal.” This very investigation led intern #348 to find another protest, although at this one they were screaming “keep pot illegal!” This confuzzled us as well, as most of us associate pots with macaroni night here at the Macaroni, and macaroni nights are a good thing. Some of the reasons they cited for why it should remain illegal were “pot causes car accidents,” “pot is addictive,” and “pot kills your brain cells.” We decided to research each of these claims to see if they were true, starting with “pot causes car accidents.” We researched and discovered that yes, there was one reported incident within the last 30 years where a car accident was caused by a man choking on a pot. That man reportedly said afterwards that he councils against attempting to eat chicken noodle soup while driving. The claim that “pot is addictive” also appears to be true, as intern #21 claims that he once saw an episode of My Strange Addiction where a woman was obsessed with pots. However, intern #21 also claims that the stuff on Ancient Aliens is “fact”, so maybe we shouldn’t trust him. We personally tested the final claim, “pot kills your brain cells”, and our tests showed that yes, after intern #677 was hit over the head repeatedly with a pot, he performed lower on an IQ test. Science. We use it here at the Macaroni.
After validating all of these claims, we began to realize that maybe pots aren’t such a great thing. We here at the Macaroni care about your safety, so we decided to officially begin our new anti-pot movement entitled “Use Pans Instead!” Alongside pans, we also recommend the use of bowls, cups, and woks as alternatives to pots.
One intern noted that some of the members of the original protesting group were carrying signs that proclaimed “Make weed legal,” and upon closer inspection, we noticed that protesters on the opposing side were also carrying signs that shouted out “keep weed illegal.” We here at the macaroni have had personal problems with weeds in the past, as Sasquatch’s company garden keeps getting overtaken by dandelions. Therefore we would greatly support any attempts to outlaw these pesky weeds. Intern #92 felt especially strong on the issue, after he lost his prized tomato garden to the same dandelion plague that took Sasquatch’s radishes. After the anti-weed group began claiming that the other protesters had large amounts of weed with them, Intern #92 decided to take the law into his own hands and doused the protesters in a two-hit combo of Raid and Round-up in an attempt to kill the infernal plants. So in short the day ended with Intern #92 clearing out the protesters faster than Mr. Clean can clean nasty particles out of your toilet. We noticed that a large number of unidentified spiky-leafed plants were left behind, but Intern #92 hosed them in Round-up to the point of disintegration, suspicious that they too were weeds.
The Macaroni staff recently tried to go and drop off all of our company pots and dug-up weeds at the nearest police precinct. This didn’t go over too well, as the police claimed that pots were “perfectly safe”, despite the fact that intern #998 was recently hospitalized by a pot-related incident. The police also yelled at us for trailing dirt and weeds into their station. We had no choice but to leave and instead bury our pots and weeds in the backyard in the hopes that they will never be found again.
We would like to report that recent claims that weeds and pots can be used for medical purposes are false. We noted that hitting intern #677 over the head with the pot again did not heal him, nor did forcefully shoving dandelions down his throat.
So to end our already too lengthy article, we at the Macaroni highly recommend that you do not cook with a pot the next time you want some Kraft shapes, and that you regularly have your property flood with weed-killer to combat the encroaching menaces. And remember, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, attempt to ingest a pot. Those suckers just love to get lodged in windpipes. (R.I.P. intern #45).
Remember kids, kisses and hugs are better than drugs.