Hey Macaroni viewers! Getting bored of these international updates yet? Well too bad! We’ve got more countries!
Now, we welcome an amazing new product brought to you by the creators of the Russel Brand™ Trigonometry worksheet, and the Russel Brand™ IB Math Research Paper… sponsored by As Seen on TV… partially paid for by Mr. Evans… the amazing Russel Brand™ Easy Button! This easy button is totally, 100%, not-at-all just a Staples Easy Button that is being re-branded. This is Mr. Russell’s own patented creation. It’s truly amazing! The Russel Brand™ Easy Button has a special “Easy” function completely unique to its patented design. By hitting the button, it releases a recording of Mr. Russel saying “That was easy.” You can then cry tears of joy as you listen to that beautiful, beautiful voice*. It really is that easy! You need to get your own Russel Brand™ Easy Button, like, right now! 4 out of 5 math teachers (including Russel himself) recommend hitting the Russel Brand™ Easy Button shortly after completing a calculus problem to make students feel bad about themselv.. – I MEAN TO INSPIRE THEM! Not to make them feel bad about themselves, heh, who said that? Not me, that’s who! Anyway this is an amazing product! Purchase your own from Mr. Russell’s class today! They only cost one easy payment of a “missing” graphing calculator. Don’t worry there are plenty to find floating around (in the 100% real fake lockers, perhaps?).
We would also like to clear up some confusion, as recently there has been some confusion between Russel Brand™ and Russell Brand. We would like to assure you that they are two completely different entities. And we’ll prove it to you. Shown below, on the left, is Tadhg (no pronunciation given) Russel, the founder of the Russel Brand™. On the right is Russell Brand, a horrible imposter.
OK, who are we kidding, they are the same person. Never mind.
*The Macaroni Report is unable to verify whether the tears that you will cry after hearing Mr. Russel’s voice are tears of joy or tears of suffering.
An awfully common occurrence, especially in the bathroom near the lunch room, some “rebellious delinquents” enjoy stuffing the urinals and sink with paper towels. Here, I will begin a very aggressive rant about and against these schweinhunds. (I am legitimately annoyed by this situation; I do not try to hide this in this article) Continue reading “Rant #1- Bathroom Indignation”
Hey Macaroni viewers! You want to add some zest to your love life with some epic flowers? You could get some regular old roses, or you could get really awesome Rose Brand™ Roses! Rose Brand™ Roses are better than just regular roses. Why? Because Rose Brand™ Roses are 5.6 inches shorter than the average rose*! Also, Rose Brand™ Roses are the only rose brand in the known universe that offers crappy jokes with your rose. Every single Rose Brand™ Rose is guaranteed to come with one of three bad jokes. Wanna buy more than three roses? Well too bad, because you’re going to get the same three crappy jokes over, and over, and over again. The senior class got to test run these Rose Brand™ Roses at the final HS band concert of the year, when each one received their very own Rose Brand™ Rose for free! And you could tell by the looks on their faces that they loved them**. I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want a Rose Brand™ Rose? You can purchase a Rose Brand™ Rose right here in school from the big man himself (*snickers* Ok, small man himself). One Rose Brand™ Rose can be bought for three easy payments of $195.95, or four years of indentured servitude within the Greenville High School Band.
*Please do not make fun of the Rose Brand™ Rose’s height. It gets very upset when you do that.
**Any reports that the majority of the band seniors threw out their Rose Brand™ Roses within 3 hours after receiving them are completely falsified.
Hey Macaroni reader! Are you hosting a food-based party or event anytime soon? If the answer is no, then why the hell not! If the answer is yes, then this is the must-read article for you! We’re gonna break down the dos and don’ts of food parties and food in general.
Students at Greenville are unsure to mourn or rejoice after the ritualistic carnage carried out on the lawn of the school yesterday morning. Before the captive audience of their peers, four innocent high schoolers were massacred and resurrected all within the span of an hour. While the students themselves were perfectly fine after a orange juice cleanse, care of the school nurses, the school at large has yet to recover. Continue reading “Greenville Undergoes Quadrennial Sacrifice”
At 4:00 EST of the 10th of May, 2016, local farmer Simon Gruncle from Greenville, NY, purchased a brand new $700 dollar window. He was optimistic that this would be the first of a series of progressive purchases, as it was his first ever purchase from the internet. Continue reading “Local Man Perplexed by New Window”