Macaroni Critique: Calculus the Musical

Yes, that’s right, break is over. And now that break is over, it’s time to tell you about the amazing development known as Calculus the Musical. That’s right, the math students took a field trip to Germantown to see a musical. About Calculus. And were gonna critique it. So strap on your seat belts and get ready for a ride as we start rating it in various area of subject matter.


This musical has the single most bizarre plot that I have ever encountered in my entire  life – and that’s saying something. It is the story of a girl who invents a time-travelling, dimension travelling crab, and then travels back in time to another dimension where she teaches Isaac Newton how to solve a calculus problem, but Isaac Newton is a possible alcoholic with multiple-personality disorder and a pastry addiction. 100% no joke. I couldn’t make that up if I tried. And I didn’t even figure out that this was the story until about halfway through, so imagine my confusion during the first half.

Subject Matter:

Calculus. Enough said.

Set Design/Props:

The set design honestly consisted of a table, a chair, and a projector screen where story hints were displayed for those who were as utterly lost as I was. Props consisted of a powdered grey wig, the fur jacket made of a giant skinned wolf, and Archimedes’ seemingly modern bathrobe. Oh yeah, and Isaac Newton’s action figure of Isaac Newton holding an Isaac Newton action figure. Isaac occasionally has arguments with said action figure.


Apparently, the Germantown powers to be decided that Calculus the musical was unworthy of even being shown in an auditorium, as we were filed in to a single half of the Germantown gym, and then stuffed much, much, much tighter than sardines onto the crappy Germantown bleachers. The Germantown students, being the natural favorites, got the cream of the crop seats; namely plastic folding chairs. While this may not sound impressive, everyone on the bleachers over the height of 5’4″ had to hug their knees against their body to even fit. And getting up to go to the bathroom was beyond the realm of possibility.


In all honesty the acting was the only thing even remotely good about this production. The actors (of which there were only two, possibly due to a complete lack of funding) managed to show a great deal of enthusiasm on a topic that they admittedly neither knew about nor especially cared about. They were able to perform some pretty hard, if somewhat hard to understand, songs, and they managed to keep a straight face while posing as a sidewalking-crab-girl and a pastry-obsessed-multiple-personality-disorder-scientist. Also, I’m pretty sure that there was at least 6 fat jokes directed at one of the actors, and she took it pretty well.

Audience Participation:

At one point, the actors asked for volunteers to help out in a song. While I may have been commenting on the actor’s enthusiasm before, that was nothing next to the enthusiasm of this one guy who trampled probably five different people so he could get up on “stage.” Unfortunately, it seemed that this guy’s enthusiasm was soon to be dashed against rocks as it turned out that all he got to do was hold a sign that said peak and thrust it into the air when the word peak was said. However, this dude kept his enthusiasm up, and must have been the best peak-sign-holder ever born, because each time the word peak was said, he thrust his sign up with such enthusiasm and force that he must have gotten whiplash. You are a role model for us all peak dude. Rock on peak dude, rock on.


It took me until about halfway through to realize that the entire thing was just an advertisement for STEM, proclaiming that “you too can be smart like Isaac Newton!!” This, of course, is an incorrect statement, as the play clearly shows that Isaac Newton only became smart after a visit from a time-travelling crab girl.

Gift Shop: 

There was a Calculus the Musical gift-shop. I’m pretty sure that Mr. Evans was the only person within the entire building that went within five feet of it.

Other Stuff:

After the play, all of the Greenville students got to go to Olana, and then went to McDonald’s for lunch. We highly recommend that if you ever get offered the chance to go on this field-trip, take it, just so you can get the McDonald’s. I’m Lovin It.

Final Ranking

After some hard thinking and decision making, I have awarded Calculus the Musical a 3.1415 out of 10 bowls of Macaroni. I would put a picture of that many bowls of macaroni, but I’m lazy.

Remember to enjoy yourself this vacation, and avoid thinking about calculus as much as possible.

Meanwhile in other news, Peak guy was spotted frolicking in circles outside of the Germantown high school on the sidewalk. Apparently, Peak guy can find enjoyment out of even the little things in life, like sidewalks. Rock on Peak guy, rock on.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern

Macaroni Critique: Calculus the Musical

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