Greenville confused by the fact that no, the water supply and the sewers are not the same thing

In case you haven’t noticed, in the last few week there has been multiple problems with the Greenville school’s water supply. Multiple times our water has become “contaminated.” The Greenville town has attempted to cover up the causes of the contaminations, claiming that they were caused by things such as “uncontrollable leaks”, “weather patterns”, “natural runoff”, and even “bears.” However, our own investigative inquiry has discovered the truth; it’s all the useless roof workers fault.

It seems that the same people who have obnoxiously banged on the Greenville roof with hammers for the last fifteen years, and have goofed off over at the bus garage for the last 8 months have been hired by the town to install the new sewers. Because why not? Unfortunately, it seems that someone screwed up big time in these guys education. Why? Because these workers think that a sewer and a water tank are the same thing.

For the first part of their project, these former roof workers were faced with the arduous task of going around town and digging up everyone’s lawn and then refilling it, for the sole purpose of destroying everyone’s grass (grass, after all, does attract weeds, which are shown to be very harmful and lack any medicinal purposes. Just ask Sasquatch). They then proceeded to dig up plots of land where they actually planned to put the sewer and begin installing it. The problem started about a week or two before Spring break, when the workers attempted to connect their fledgling sewers to the Greenville school district water supply – and they succeeded. The administration didn’t catch on until they received reports of the water from the water fountain “running brown” and “leaving a distinctive aftertaste.” (If you currently wish to vomit in your mouth, go ahead, because the prospect of what goes out coming back in isn’t exactly a peachy thought).

There was an emergency school water shut-off, and the town got a very angry call from the school administration. The town then had to drive out and explain to the workers that the sewers and the water supply were not supposed to be hooked up. After a bunch of “OK”s and vigorous head nods, it seemed that the crisis was averted and the sewer line was disconnected from the water tank. However, overestimating the competence of some people is dangerous, as the town soon found out. It only took all of two days for the workers to forget and reconnect the sewers and water tank yet again.

This same pattern has been going on for the last few weeks on constant repeat. Rumor has it that Mr. Hilgendorf got so frustrated with these workers that he tried to go and rough them up, which some believe to be the reason that his arm is in a sling. Either that or he was assaulted by Mr. Albright’s lizard slaves. That is of course one theory, that the NHS is behind the leaks and water problems. We find this unlikely seeing as the NHS wants to mind control the students of Greenville, not poison them with excrement (Yes, you have my permission to barf again).

If you want some more information on environmental problems in Greenville, feel free to visit Sasquatch. He’ll give you a 332 page brochure, and a three hour rant on how not enough people carpool and how Dollar General uses plastic from China in their cereal.

In short do not drink the water. And if you have some free time and a couple of rotten tomatoes lying around, feel free to go bombard some of the workers. But just remember – you didn’t hear that from us.

Eat Responsibly.

-Kitchenette Intern