At 4:00 EST of the 10th of May, 2016, local farmer Simon Gruncle from Greenville, NY, purchased a brand new $700 dollar window. He was optimistic that this would be the first of a series of progressive purchases, as it was his first ever purchase from the internet.
However, when his purchase arrived, he became extremely perplexed . Not only was the window the size of a moderately large breadbox, but was also completely black. Deciding it must simply be a new high tech window (the specifications had mentioned several seemingly electronic capabilities) Simon proceeded to install the new window into his wall, without any improvement. Furthermore, when he called his son to ask him for advice, he simply laughed and told him to stop messing around. At this point, poor Gruncle grew increasingly desperate, as this was one of the most expensive purchases he had made recently and the site he had ordered seemed extremely proud of its capabilities, so he doubted there was anything better out there. At this point he called me, which was a good call. (As well as construction, I also offer pest removal, plumbing, electrician services, guided camping tours, mechanical repairs, private investigations and legal services) I immediately diagnosed the problem as a case of false advertising, as the device did not seem to be a window at all. For starters, the device had no clear surfaces, although its face did appear to be made of glass. Furthermore, it had several openings in it, which seemed extremely inefficient for insulation. Further research revealed that the company, named Microsoft, sold several other varieties of windows, all extremely small, some so small they could fit in your pocket, and yet they all seemed to be of the same design. This company is clearly attempting to sell people fake windows, for some nefarious reason that is not yet determined. We will keep you posted with future updates, as my private investigator team will be launching a full investigation, and looking to see if other companies have similar cases of false advertising. Never fear, we are going to get to the bottom of this, in order to keep the public safe. In the meantime I have begun training in counseling services in order to assist Gruncle in his recovery, as he is now terrified that the internet is an evil conspiracy trying to take all his money. We encourage any people who have similar experiences to report them immediately to us at 1-800-we know nothing. Remember people, although the internet is truly a great thing, allowing individuals to access an unprecedented amount of information, it may be best left to looking at videos of cats, or pictures of nature.