Greenville Undergoes Quadrennial Sacrifice

Students at Greenville are unsure to mourn or rejoice after the ritualistic carnage carried out on the lawn of the school yesterday morning. Before the captive audience of their peers, four innocent high schoolers were massacred and resurrected all within the span of an hour. While the students themselves were perfectly fine after a orange juice cleanse, care of the school nurses, the school at large has yet to recover.

The organization claiming responsibility for the demonstration, SADD (Serpents Asserting Dictatorial Dominance), is said to be an illusive offshoot of the NHS run by the great sorcerer of Greenville, focused on regulating overall moral of the student populous. Every four years, when students have grown cocky and forgotten where the balance of power in the school really lies, SADD rises up and demands a sacrifice, forcing the entire school to watch as they ceremoniously execute several students, and then if they are feeling particularly generous, bring them back to life. Some longtime Greenvillians still recall the last time SADD displayed dominance over the student populous, as there are always the occasional few for whom graphic glimpses of the ceremony were burned into their young minds. In fact, many believe the school to have “gotten off easy” this year, considering rising concerns of “arrogant millennials” and flagrant hat-wearers for SADD to put in their place. Additionally, one reportedly “hot coroner guy” was said to have derived attention away from the main spectacle of barbarity, and one junior even stated that “he can wheel my body away any day”.

The timing of this year`s display, and also the fact that SADD chose to rise its victims from the dead, is perhaps related to the aforementioned “Eastergate” scandal. Was SADD`s unexpected sparing of the victims a gesture of goodwill, or a gesture of apology by the school for slapping Spring Break in at the end of April as an inconvenient afterthought? When asked by Intern 957 how they feel about this apparent apology for the still MIA holiday, one student replied, “Holidays are meaningless. Like ‘Arbor Day’…what even is that? Try talking to me about something I can get behind, like ‘Stay Out Of The Sun Day’ or ‘Junk Food History Month’.”

However, SADD is never simply content with the carnage, and they have announced a vigil to take place in their honor this Saturday night. We here at the Macaroni Report urge readers not to lured in by promises of “fabulous prizes”, even if escaping with your life may pale in comparison to the prospect of obtaining a new laptop or a Netflix gift card. Once the vigil is over, SADD is expected to slither back to the Kingdom of Tyrell, where it will hopefully lie dormant for the foreseeable future.

-Furnace Dragon

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Greenville Undergoes Quadrennial Sacrifice

One thought on “Greenville Undergoes Quadrennial Sacrifice

  1. Future head serpent says:

    As a member and future head of Serpents Asserting Dictatorial Dominance, I am appalled at the accusations against us. We do not demand a sacrifice, we simply show the students who is really in charge at this school. We willingly resuscitate our victims to remind them that they were in our jaws, we showed mercy, and now they are forever indebted to us.
    P.S. We are recruiting! We have a friendly, cult-like environment and service is only required for the rest of your life

    Liked by 1 person

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