As school slowly comes to end and students are forced to watch the last few weeks get dragged out like a four year old at the Cincinnati Zoo, youths across America are beginning to search for alternatives to sticking nails through eyelids to pass the time. The latest buzz: killing the ego and superego and letting the id reign supreme. Kids in the United States, fed up with their teachers and bloody eye balls, are hiring subconscious liberators (known colloquially as Freudicidals) to shoot their inhibitions directly between the eyes so as to be free from the constraints of a conscious. With such great demand for id-only behavior, prices for Freudicidals have sky rocketed leading kids to take their business to the streets or in some cases attempting to kill their own minds themselves.
The trend has been on the rise, mirroring the comeback of heroin abuse and Kanye West. That’s right, the Life of Pablo is reportedly so unbearable that Pablo routinely sees a subconscious liberator that also conveniently slings dope. Freeing the id is actually a practice that dates back to the 1950’s when the most exciting part of the day was when the bomb sirens went off. However, the practice never rose above cult status until just about a year ago when Donald Trump announced his candidacy for presidency. Mr. Trump is rumored to have his own personal Freudicidal (Trump liberator), clinic (Trump clinic) and line of heroin (Trump Black Tar™). If you were wondering how he keeps that tight, lizard skin looking tight and lizard-y, it’s just one of the many side effects of liberating your subconscious. There is, however, plenty of upside. For instance, once your subconscious is free, for each erroneous comment you stupidly make about immigration reform you gain 10 life points in the form of super-delegates.
The process of subconscious liberation itself is not a long one at all. You simply see your Freudicidal, take a sip of rubbing alcohol and say the first thing that comes to mind. That becomes your trigger. From there on out, anytime you hear your trigger word you begin incessantly grinding on the closest human being. Like Freud probably said, it’s all in your head. The danger comes when kids attempt to liberate themselves outside the safety of a clinic. If liberation is performed on the street, any number of things could become a trigger, leading the patient to confusion and eventually hysteria. The patient may also receive a sample of rubbing alcohol laced with something impure, like Dr. Pepper or puppy blood. It is important to see your doctor about starting subconscious liberation if you are trying to get pregnant because liberation is a surefire way to get those babies popping.
After being liberated you will only be able to focus on things that remind you of your trigger. In this way, its sort of like a Viagra-Aderall cocktail. Liberation will likely make you sad for about a week but if you survive the melancholy, the next six months will be pure bliss and chocolate turtles. Subconscious liberation was originally intended for couple therapy but it has gained popularity among single people and can provide a great service to the average lonely Joe if practiced correctly. Liberation’s goal is to open your mind and body to experiences that it would not find otherwise. For instance, if you have always been terrified of joining the Boston Police Department because of the elaborate love story that could potentially follow, liberation will help you overcome that fear. Its important to maintain a healthy diet and get eight hours of sleep after being liberated because imbalanced exposure to a trigger can lead to walking around like a giant diagram of the digestive tract.
As mentioned before, aging and political incompetence are among the many side effects of liberating your subconscious. In addition, test subjects have reported dizziness, rashes on their feet, gout, chlamydia, the need to occupy Wall Street, and disgust with millennials while under the spell of liberation. However, if you can think clearly under liberation, you can hone some of that Freudian goodness and save some of it in a id bank. Interest rates on excess id revenue are likely to go up in the next quarter so start saving now kids.
The typical liberation period lasts about a year and can be re-administered at your annual check up at your general physicians office. If this sounds like its for you make sure you see a professional because while street Freudicidals offer competitive prices the risk involved is incalculable due to the variability street practices. After all, you wouldn’t want to believe you’re drinking the world’s greatest chocolate milk while watching The Big Lebowski when you’re really watching CNN and drinking CNN-brand S**t-through-a-Straw™.