Breaking News! An epidemic has been travelling around the Macaroni Report staff like a wildfire! After the vending machine, unicorn, and multiple members of our mail-room fell ill in the last few months, we called in our resident doctor, intern #433, to analyze this previously undiscovered illness.
Intern #433, who got an online degree and is registered to act as a physician in Hong Kong, the US Virgin Islands, and South Sudan, stated that this weird virus is unknown to medical science, and he named it NotWritingAnyMacaroniArticles-Itis. This strange disease is typified by a lack of motivation to write articles on your local school newspaper satire website. Even the loyal Kitchenette Intern was diagnosed with this disease, as it was noted that his normal rate of writing three articles a day fell to only one article every five days.
When investigating the origin of this disease, Intern #433 found two possible suspects. Suspect number one was the magic gophers which that idiot Sasquatch brought in. It turned out that both had rabies, and it would not be surprising if they were carrying other diseases. Theory number two is that this illness is an evolved form of the Jazz Hands infection that ran rampant throughout the cast of the high school play Curtains this year. After all, many of the Macaroni staff first diagnosed with NotWritingAnyMacaroniArticles-Itis were known to be cast members of the play. And of course there is always the possibility that it is an NHS biological weapon.
With almost the full Macaroni Report infected by this virus, Intern #433 had to seek out a way to cure this illness so that the Macaroni will get back on track. With no knowledge of how to beat this disease, he prescribed everyone three glasses of orange juice and a vomit-inducing viewing session of someone eating the Greenville burrito in the hopes that it would “cleanse their system.” Only time will tell if this will work.
For those of you who are sad due to our recent lack of articles, we have no consolation, because that is actually a legitimate reason to be sad.
And if it has rabies, don’t eat it.
[Editor’s update: We have recently discovered that for whatever reason, NotWritingAnyMacaroniArticles-Itis is instantly cured on the date of June 2nd. However, we’re pretty sure that everyone will just go back to not writing any articles after today.]