You may have seen the numerous posters around the school, wondering if you, presumed student or staff member of Greenville, are interested in a brand new* laptop. It doesn`t take someone with an IQ higher than one of Sasquatch`s gophers to put together that these computers are the very same relics the library has been using for the past decade, that the school is now attempting to pawn off on to the masses.
According to Mr. Gardner, self-proclaimed “head computer guy” at Greenville, since the school got swanky new computers with a recent technology grant, they`ve been wondering what to do with the older ones, primarily the ones in the library that had enough ram to survive Y2K, but no longer have the juice to load the dank memes of today. “We considered giving them to the seniors to use,” Gardner mused, “But then the school decided to try and turn a tidy profit on these things, so that maybe we can get the ski club up and running again, since the mountains in the gym look promising enough to be black diamonds by the end of the summer.”
At thirty bucks a pop, these laptops are actually quite a steal. Similar products, such as thin flat bricks from the Dixie Clay Colonial Collection at Home Depot, which are in arguably a slightly better condition, sell for $56.35 each. Even a frisbee from the Panda Superstore is a solid 88 cents more than the laptops… although to be fair, it`s a really cool frisbee.
The posters report that the primary problem with these laptops is battery life, which is nonexistent. However, this is easily remedied by never, ever removing the (sold separately) laptop charger cable, and conducting all online activities one pixel at a time. A bit of common knowledge, which the advertisements fail to mention, is that the laptops no longer have keys, as they were long ago pried off by the hungry goat-like incisors of middle schoolers. Any true Greenville student should be accustomed to this by now, and will have no problem reaching into the crumb-filled graves to type. If you intend on using your brand new* Greenville laptop for non-computing purposes, as advised, this should not be an issue whatsoever.
So hurry up and purchase your laptop today, before the school gives up and melts them down into utensils for the cafeteria.
* Not “new” as in factory new, or even “new” like new to you, most likely…more like, “N.E.W.” or Not Even Working.