At last, the year is winding down. The end is almost here. And as we wish our senior staff members love as they fly off into this amazing paradise called the real world (TV dinners for breakfast), we want to look back at all the great moments that we have shared together.
[Editor’s Note: This article is very, very, very long, and we tagged it to way too many things than could actually be healthy. However, we still hope you enjoy, and we hope you are willing to devote to us the hours that it will take to read this thing.]
Sep 1 to Jan 4: Nothing of importance happens. The world is a barren wasteland of boring and nothingness. Students crave more than your average Maroon Report can give.
Jan 5: Our glorious Head Chef creates the angelic creation that is the Macaroni Report. After a period of time in which no one knows what the hell the Macaroni Report actually is (a report about Macaroni, perhaps?), glorious followers flock to the Head Chef to become his indentured servants – sorry, “interns” – and join his cult.
Feb 6: The Head Chef’s first cult member, the Resident Archivist 4242, posts his first article, and declares that he will create public service announcements for “the greater good.” Sasquatch maintains that this is proof of his evilness.
Feb 7: The Broom Closet Sasquatch breaks into our Macaroni Kitchenette™, and attempts to eat everything. The Macaroni staff decided that he was not at the Cincinnati Zoo, nor was he dragging a four-year old child, so they only tranquilized him.
Feb 8: The evil showers launch an evil plot to overtake the world. It is foiled by the Resident Archivists reporting skills and the Occupy Bathroom movement.
Feb 9: The Macaroni gathers multiple new employees, including a magical llama, a mail room employee, and a cheese model of revolutionary Che Guevara. This was also the day that we first discovered the existence of lizard people and Trump supporters.
Feb 10: The Head Chef’s undercover operations allow him to discover the existence of the NHS Illuminati who pull the strings of the Greenville administration. Also, in a very controversial decision, the Macaroni hires a fat ostrich to write for them. This ostrich amazingly manages to write faster than most of the macaroni staff (okay, all of the macaroni staff).
Feb 11: Today was a crazy day in our history! Let’s run through some of the stuff that happened.
- We hired a unicorn to write for us. Claims that he is stylish have been proven false.
- A rare artifact known as 1970’s Trivial Pursuit is unearthed. Archaeologists claim that it is the find of the millennium. Mr. Drumma claims that it is the find of his lifetime.
- Cheddar Guevara sets a record as the first person to get something redacted from the Macaroni report, for making a sexual reference. Now we make sexual references all the time. Seems like Mr. Tyrrell telling us to say penis and vagina worked after all.
- The Broom Closet Sasquatch writes his first article. The world realizes that yes, Sasquatch is Stupid.
Feb 13: The Friday Night Intern Fight turns into a massive, disappointing flop. The FBI is still investigating the incident.
Feb 23: Spring ushers in “gym-destruction season”. The gym’s first near destruction is caused in part by a crazy gym teacher’s dreams of grandeur and ice-skating.
Feb 24: Greenville and the FDA simultaneously warn the public about the possible death caused by the Greenville “Burrito”. These warnings go largely ignored, just like the surgeon general’s last fifteen warnings about smoking.
Feb 25: Emos. And Emus. Enough said.
Feb 26: The League of Masterminds performs a cult mass sacrifice of Greenville’s board game club. Polls show fear of Satanists rising by 20%.
Mar 1: The Macaroni announces their first ever paper version, sadly doomed to fail because of the fact that the average Macaroni intern is too dumb to differentiate between the days of the week. Also poverty.
Mar 2: Macaroni intern #248 is released from jail just in time to get blindsided by an epidemic of lazy hippies wearing socks and sandals.
Mar 3: Greenville’s water breaks. No baby is produced.
Mar 4: The Harlem Destructors eliminated half of the Greenville staff. Sadly, the other half of the staff remained unharmed. Also, the Macaroni report celebrates 50 articles! It then celebrates 51 articles!
Mar 5: The Macaroni Report shuts down the Maroon Report, who are the robber barons to our captains of industry. No Maroon Report, we will not be absorbed.
Mar 8: The Macaroni report celebrates International Women’s Day in style by paying our male employees less so that we know what it feels like to be a woman. Since none of us get paid to begin with, we had to just pay the Head Chef. It is now believed that it was all just an elaborate plot by the Head Chef just so he could make enough money to pay his rent.
Mar 9: A talking vending machine warns us of a potential murder on the loose. We value his advice more than that of the Broom Closet Sasquatch.
Mar 10: The very first Corridor Conversation is published. In completely unrelated news, the “Kick the Resident Archivist off the Macaroni” movement began, because it looks bad to have more than one grub-eating crazy on our staff, and we already have Sasquatch.
Mar 12: A special examination committee reports that they are “unable to find any evidence of the existence of Donald Trump’s penis,” which is “obviously a side effect of his unusually small hands.”
Mar 17: The Macaroni Report discovers that there is even more idiots running for president than previously thought, including a corn-dog eating maniac, a Satan worshiper, and Jeb Bush. In other news, a poll shows that 11/11 of Macaroni interns don’t understand what love is, and the 1/11 Macaroni interns don’t understand what a kilt is for. Oh yeah, and we found out the Furnace Dragon can speak! That doesn’t make us fear him/her/it any less though.
Mar 19: Greenville pedestrians are trampled underfoot by Cairo’s band/army.
Mar 20: The Head Chef reports that he has been hospitalized following a European Starling attack. PETA promptly forms a “save the starling” campaign, and sues the Head Chef for animal abuse.
Mar 22: Obama moves to Cuba, and Mr. Siebrecht starts selling headbands. But not just any headbands! Siebrecht Brand™ Headbands!!! You may buy one by clicking Here.
Mar 23: Some idiot in Britain goes online and stumbles across the Macaroni report. And thus our world domination quest begins. These days, idiots in Britain are the status quo, and we’re getting idiots in Africa to view us instead (Africa is all one big country, right?). In other unrelated news, Dr. Kierbutt begins writing for us. Studies show that while he is not a doctor, he is a butt.
Mar 27: Reports of children being abducted from Crossgates mall begin to multiply. Witnesses say they saw tire skid marks, candy, and rabbit droppings at the scene.
Mar 31: Greenville’s water breaks again, still no babies produced.
Apr 1: Cheddar Guevara gets really, really excited that Mary and Donald are dating. So far, Donald has no confirmed relation to Donald Trump, but he may be related to Donald Duck.
Apr 5: The Broom Closet Sasquatch apologizes for not apologizing.
Apr 6: The Head Chef goes on an hours long rant about the evil NHS (recently discovered to serve the Master). The Macaroni as a whole also grows a set and becomes willing to say the word bullshit in our articles.
Apr 7: Nothing happens. Why is this a point on our already much too long timeline then, you may ask? Because sources confirmed it.
Apr 11: The shocking Eastergate scandal unfolds. People are shocked.
Apr 12: After writing an article containing information on the inner workings of the Maroon Report, the Furnace Dragon goes undercover so that her identity may remain a secret and so that she is not lynched by the war-hungry Maroon Report.
Apr 13: When the Maroon Report shockingly manages to actually print a copy of their paper, the infamous Operation BigMac begins, with every article and its uncle Joe being parodied by the Kitchenette Intern in his one week reign of terror. It begins with the shocking revelation that yes, asbestos is bad for you.
Apr 16: The Macaroni fires one of its interns for using a horoscope to predict the coming death of every person born between June 22nd and July 22nd.
Apr 17: The entire world realizes that its pretty hard to differentiate between the stuff that Mr. Siebrechts and hobos say.
4/20: Massive protests over pots and weeds lead to an all out war, with multiple macaroni staff members getting involved. Of particular note was intern #38, who, after surviving the battle, decided that he was destined to be the next El Chapo and took off to Mexico. Remember kids, Use Pans Instead! Also there’s this thing called the Underwater Basket Weaving Committee.
Apr 21: Greenville’s water breaks again. It’s delivery was a success, and it is now the proud mother of 3,739 rednecks and an unknown number of cows.
Apr 22: The Macaroni crew goes on Spring Break. We don’t exactly want to talk about it. Please don’t bring it up. Letting Sasquatch on the beach was a bad idea.
May 2: The fountains begin dispensing “chocolate milk” to the delightful surprise of the Greenville students. Afterwards, reports of cholera in the Greenville community surge.
May 9: The Macaroni launches a product line featuring the face of its very own Richard Nixon and chest hair plastered across a beach tote-bag. Also on May 9, the Macaroni ends its product line due to lack of sales.
May 14: Greenville sacrifices an unknown number of poor students to the cars out in their front circle, possibly to deter an invasion of the idiots from Cairo (R.I.P. Bethany Overbaugh)
May 23: Dr. Kierbutt goes into a three-hour rant about how the kids in the bathroom who stuff the sinks full of paper-towels are not cool. However, I beg to disagree. A recent poll shows that 3 out of 4 idiots think that stuffing their paper byproducts into sanitation devices is “badass.”
May 25: Mr. Russel circa 2004 goes viral online. The man himself still knows nothing of its existence.
June 1: The amazing North Korea, a model of Utopian values and human rights that should serve as inspiration to us all, endorses our benevolent future leader Donald J. Drumpf, and thus swings the popular vote away from the villainous demon Hillary Clinton and the anarchist known as Bernie Sanders.
June 2: After months of suffering from NotWritingAnyMacaroniArticles-Itis, everyone – well, almost everyone – decides to get off their butts and finally write something, all at the same exact time. Here’s the lowdown on some stuff that happened.
- The Ghost of Richard Nixon takes over the staff of the Maroon Report, causing them to begin to spread 70’s Republican propaganda and grow 9-inch long chest hair.
- Cheddar Guevara returns to the Macaroni and decides to create what is seemingly a recounting of the three-month long acid trip that he’s been on.
- China installs parking spots for women, proving just how progressive they are. At last, women can park too!
- The Mail Room VP decides that a critique of a faded 80’s board game is an absolute requirement. Yes, people actually didn’t have PlayStations back then. Yes, it is horrifying.
June 3: the Broom Closet Sasquatch decides to go out and interview a creepazoid, a psycho redneck, and a little girl who may or may not be abducted. Is the Sasquatch the evil Bunny that we’ve been looking for after all?
June 7: Do vaccines cause autism? Yes.
I hope that you’ve enjoyed the last hour that you’ve spent reading this quintessential Macaroni article. I certainly enjoyed the 7 hours that I spent writing it, though I came pretty close to losing my cookies a couple of times. It is very good, if I do say so myself. Anyone who doesn’t like it deserves to be isolated to the back of the room. On a more sentimental note, I hope you do awesome out in the real world, seniors, and don’t get banished from your college classes. Now go out there and drop the hammer!
Dedicated to the Head Chef, Cheddar Guevara/Richard Nixon, the Resident Archivist, and the “not short” Furnace Dragon.