Farwell From the Macarnoi Report

It is my unofficial duty to bid the official Macaroni Farwell to our graduating seniors. You have been with us for 13 years (more or less) and Greenville will lose a little more without you. This year in particular is a time for sorrow. We trade away our favorite seniors, who are responsible, respectful, and overall good friends, in exchange for a group of rowdy, bothersome kids, who don’t know the difference between a proper essay and their “love letters”. As a junior, I have known most of you for many years now, even if it hasn’t always been on the closest of terms. But in the past few years, I have come to know some of you as well as my own classmates, and it will be as hard to bid farewell to you as if I were saying goodbye to a part of myself. Even for those of you who I didn’t know personally, you’re contributions to the school will not be forgotten, and I wish you the best of luck in all your ventures.

And now for the four graduating seniors closest to me. It is your presence I will miss the most, even if we still gather together for the occasional get-together. Each of you brought a very special something to our little newspaper, whether it be your organizing skills, devious trickery, or just your inspirational look at life. We all hope that you will continue your writings at wherever you go, because it just won’t be the same without you. I guess that’s why we have the internet right? As great as it is to look at videos of cats, or guys being thrown from crashing trucks, truly its greatest power is that ability to connect people from all over the world together, as though they are right next to each other. With luck, we will be as close 10 years from now, as we are on this day.

To the Head Archivist,

You were new this year not just to our publication but also to the school itself. It can’t have been easy to find yourself in a strange new place, where everyone already had their favorite groups and best friends, but somehow you managed. You did your thing, no matter what anyone else thought, and you weren’t afraid to play the devil’s advocate (although supporting Nazi’s, even for the sake of arguing, is never a good idea). Somehow you were able to wear formal wear almost every day, and yet still not win best dressed. You adapted quickly, and have been a valuable addition to this paper since its early days. Even though you were only here for a year, I feel like you were just another member of our senior body, and I am glad to have met you. I know that wherever you go, and whatever you do, you’ll be able to do it your way, and adapt to whatever situation you find yourself in. Best of luck.

To Political Correspondent Nixon,

This report has frankly been the least of your accomplishments at our school. You have been involved with so many groups, and set so many landmarks that if I were to try and give you credit for all of them, it would frankly take up far more room than even the internet has. I have no trouble believing that you will succeed in everything you attempt, because frankly, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. Not just in terms of your physical body, but your willingness to work, level of intelligence, and your overall refusal to give up. You have gotten to where you are today, because you are willing to do what it takes. You aren’t daunted by the idea of doing the impossible. From the highest level classes available in high school, to breaking records in everything you do, and smashing the barriers where everyone else is afraid to. You have been imperative in helping our small publication grow, and not just by being the first one not afraid to print things that were so indecent they had to be redacted. You will be a role model for all of us for years to come, and give us the strength to reach for the impossible. Thank you for everything you have done, and best of luck in everything you work towards. I know you will succeed.

To The Furnace Dragon,

I really don’t know how to begin here. You have been with us for almost as long as we have existed, and you have written consistently since then. But frankly praising you simply because of your writing is just kind of shallow. In reality, you have grown to become an instrumental part of this group. You are always supporting us in our efforts, and there to talk to when we need someone. You have grown on us like a zebra mussel in America: spreading from one place to another, and covering us in your influence.  Yeah okay that was bad. Sorry. I’m really not good at goodbyes. But the problem is that that’s what this is. From now on you’ll be far away, meeting new friends, helping new people, and working for new publications (don’t try to deny it, its okay). And frankly, if you give them half as much as you’ve given us in the half year we’ve worked together, then they will all be better off for it. And no matter what happens, just remember that we will always be there for you, whether it be emotionally, or physically. If you need us to, we’ll travel across the country to help you. We will miss you, but we know that it’s time you went on to make your mark on the world, and unfortunately, the probably won’t happen with us. All we want is to make sure that you have the life you have always wanted, because you deserve it. Now go out there, and don’t trash us behind our back, just say it straight to us, because sometimes we might need a stabilizing influence behind us. Thank you for everything you’ve done for us, and don’t stop until you’ve reached the end, wherever that may be.

ps.: I even forgive you for taking the best senior quote

To the Head Chef,

Believe me, I do not mean anything by leaving you till last, because I have nothing but good things to say to you. In many ways, you are the backbone of this publication. We started because of you, and we will keep going without you, no matter how hard it is. When you first approached me asking me to write, you were just a guy with an idea. You wanted to bring a little life to his area, and that’s what you have done. Since then, we’ve gained a staff, and are in the process of earning more. But no matter how big we get, we’re just a snowball rolling down a hill, and it was you that gave us that first push. Many people might not realize this, but it’s not easy to give that push. You have to be ready to accept the consequences if people don’t support you, and be ready to fight for what you believe in. But you had the strength. Sure it might not be easily visible, behind that huggable exterior, and that face that couldn’t make holding a knife to someone’s throat look threatening, but you have your own strength. I’ve known you since I was in third grade, and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you do more than I’ve seen you accomplish in this year. You singlehandedly created the greatest publication this school has ever seen (sorry Maroon Report), even before you had a full staff behind you. No matter how big we get, no one will forget that it was you that first rented our office space, and found the interns. You set up warning signs about the furnace dragon, and didn’t let a few (hundred) casualties stop your progress. From now on you should know that you have more strength than even you may know. It may not be the kind that everyone notices, but you have the strength inside to take that first step into the unknown, to put yourself out for the world to see and judge forever, and somehow convince others to join you. When I first heard you use the name head chef, I’ll admit it sounded ridiculous. But it really does suit you. You made a series of random ingredients into an incredible dish for the world to eat from. And when I look at how far we’ve come, I know that it’s all because of you. Thank you for everything, and know that you will always have us behind you when or if you ever need the support of those you once raised from the ashes of nothing. We wish you the best of luck in all you do and attempt. Go forth with gusto.

And with that I must bid you all one final farewell. I really hate goodbyes, and even though I had my tear ducts removed after Donald Trump first reached that 39% percent popular vote, I promise you that I am crying more on the inside now, then any other point in my life – not counting when I was a baby, since that doesn’t really count. I’ll miss you all, but I promise that next time we meet together, we’ll do it at my place, and there will be food. I wish you the best of luck with everything, from now forevermore. And with that ends what is possibly the longest article in Macaroni History. I apologize to those of you who read this entire thing thinking it would go somewhere else. Goodbye to four of the greatest students Greenville has ever had, and best of luck wherever the road of life takes you. I will miss all of you.

Farwell From the Macarnoi Report

4 thoughts on “Farwell From the Macarnoi Report

  1. idonotapproveofthatnickname says:

    This was sadder than Where The Red Fern Grows, and probably the nicest thing I`ve ever read. Thank you so much for everything. Ever since I read the first few articles, I knew the Macaroni Report was something wonderful and brimming with talent and potential. You`re not just great writers, you`re phenomenal people (and also extremely hilarious) and I will really miss you. I`m very excited to see the new heights you bring it this to next year. Also, if any of you ever need anything, I WILL fly back down here, no matter what. I have the highest respect for you, so everything I have to say is all straight out. In some senses, this is a goodbye, but this is not something ultimately defined by a school or town. It`s sappy as hell to say this, but this is definitely not the end. Good luck, all of you. You won`t need it, though.


  2. obeseostrich says:

    I would like to say something. Ol’ Sasquatch asked me to proof-read this article before he posted it, and I decided that it is the single greatest Macaroni article ever written. I even started to tear up a little while reading it, and you all know that I’m a cold, soul-less demon. However, there is one very major mistake in this article. In the last paragraph, Sasquatch uses the pronoun “I”. There is no I about it. We will all miss you, me most of all. I’ll be honest – coming into this year I didn’t know any of the four of you all that well, but I knew of you (archivist excluded). However, within the space of the year you have grown into closer friends to me than almost anyone. You have stuck by me, put up with my torment, and I know that’s not easy, because I know very well that I am an asshole. But yet you’re all still here. So when the Sasquatch says that he will miss you and we will all always remain friends, I can say he speaks for me as well. I want you all to come back every single vacation, and I promise you, I will spend my not-very-hard-earned money and buy you some pizza. Not that pizza can ever pay back the friendship that each of you has given me. I never expected to get so sappy doing this.

    To the Resident Archivist: Thank you for sitting with me on my island of solitude in English, feeling comfortable enough to invite me over to your house, and still doing so after about a billion and one transformations. You deserve better than me, but you still have stuck by me this entire year.

    To Political Correspondent Richard Nixon: Thank you for bringing a breath of life to the depths of hell that is Greenville Latin class. It is your trailblazing as the only IB student of your grade that has served as an inspiration to me to stay on the IB track. For that, I’m forever grateful.

    To the Furnace Dragon: Like the others, I treat you worse than you deserve. I bombard with an endless stream of short jokes, yet somehow, you still come back to talk to me again and again, and for that, I am grateful, and you have become a true friend.

    To the Head Chef: I watched you blossom from Karate geek to Head Chef of the Macaroni Report and still a Karate geek. I hope that I’ve been able to provide you with some guidance in your karate training, and I hope to still do so for years to come. You’ve provided me with an outlet to finally get my writing out into the world, which is something no friend has ever been able to do for me. Thanks for putting up with all the nose jokes. Again, less than you deserved.

    And now that I’m finished with the world’s longest comment, which is in effect just a really crappy lite version of the article above, I would like to say this: this is not a goodbye. Goodbye implies that you will be gone to some unreachable place. This is more like vacation – when it’s all over, you will return to Greenville, your home.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. idonotapproveofthatnickname says:

      Both of you, seriously-I was doing a good job keeping it together until I read this article. I don`t even know how to begin to respond to this, because there’s no way I can do all of it justice. Where`s Nixon and his philosophical eloquence when you need him?
      I mean, you`re absolutely right about the whole goodbye thing. Got me there. But you`re wrong about all that “deserve better” crap. You`re a great person, and have a talent for off the cuff comedy that floors me every time. Also, I pushed you into lockers a few days ago to prove a point, so really who`s the one who deserves better?
      All that aside, we`re not gone yet. The summer`s only just beginning.


  3. obeseostrich says:

    Oh yeah, and one more thing: The greatest power of the internet is still cat videos. No matter how sappy I get, that’s not gonna change.


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