Editorial: Thoughts on the Greatest Invention of All Time

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ll just come right out and say it: There has never been a greater invention than mail. Indeed most important inventions in the world have been preceded by the use of mail. However, searching “mail” on your browser will only result in links to email websites and so called “News” Websites, such as the Daily Mail. This is an injustice to mail, and I’m going to tell you why you should begin to appreciate your local mail-person much more.

Firstly, lets count how many inventions were brought into the mainstream without any use of paper or other materials being delivered to someone. I count… let’s see… everything but fire. And you can make fire just by burning mail, as we here at the Macaroni all know very well. (Click here to read how we nearly lost the office to a mail fire)

Next, is there a better form of communication than mail. Let’s compare it to the “superior” ways of relaying information to others.

  • EMail: Mail’s low IQ cousin. Granted, EMail is an effective form for receiving information… from spam accounts! Nigerian princes, colleges, and hot young singles, this one is for you. Everyone else can just steer clear.
  • Telegraph: Same as mail, just limited by lines that take money and time to set up. The USPS is already set up.
  • Texting: would b fine xcept ppl talk lik htis. And it’s limited by unreliable cell signals, which will leave you feeling dissatisfied and impotent. *Impatient. Autocorrect may also be a problem with successfully relaying info through texting.
  • Telephone: Alexander Graham Bell called. He wants his outdated invention back.
  • Internet Communication: This could be more useful if your focus wasn’t inevitably derailed by those dank memes your friend posted, or your tendency to refresh the Macaroni Report Home Page every five minutes.

And none of these have the ability to transfer physical items like shipping companies do.

Mail also has many other great uses, as we in the Mail Room have discovered. And none of them can be done with more modern forms of communication. Its underutilized features include:

  • Bedding
  • Kindling
  • Building blocks (mainly packages for this one)
  • Breaking falls (in large piles)
  • And many more!

Well there you have it folks. Mail is the best. USPS, UPS, and FedEx employees should all be seated at the top of the modern caste system, for they handle the most important commodity on earth everyday. Except Sundays and federal holidays.

Thanks for reading.

–Mail Room VP

Editorial: Thoughts on the Greatest Invention of All Time

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