Just this weekend, the students of Greenville’s class of 2016 walked across the Greenville stage to collect their diplomas, at last conquering the 13 year terror that is the Greenville Central School District. It is said that the four veterans of the Macaroni Report that walked across that stage were given special charms to wear during the ceremony that proclaimed their macaroni allegiance, similar to the NHS tassels. This is a lie, because the rest of the Macaroni staff was much too lazy to acquire said special charms. We would like to congratulate these four alumni, Liam Connors (The Head Chef), Emily Fagan (The Furnace Dragon), Gabriel Patterson (Resident Archivist 4242), and Sean McAneny (Political Correspondent Richard Nixon). They are each now going off into the real world to receive real degrees and work towards a real future, laughing villainous-ly at the poor students who must next year endure the terror that is senior seminar. Each will be pursuing an interesting future.
Liam Connors – Rather than conform to society and go to a regular university, Liam has decided that universities are overrated and will found his own, the Macaroni University, at which he will major in the only available major, Macaroni-cooking. He hopes to spend his life doing TV adds for Kraft Mac n’ Cheese, or perhaps sitting in a corner, hiding from the sunlight under a blanket, while trolling the internet with dank memes.
Emily Fagan – Emily has decided that the population of Trump supporters in America is too damn high, and that hicks are evil, and has thus flown the coop off to the magic land of Canadia. She will be double-majoring in Canadian Studies (known in America as Moose Biology) and Sarcasm. There is also rumors that she will be minoring in Height Research.
Gabrielle Patterson – Gabe, or Gabrielle, as he prefers to be known, has decided to go to college and double-major in “Librarian-ing”, which he maintains is a real thing, and Scottish War Reenactments. Gabrielle already has plans to annex the collegiate chess club, and install, “Wear your kilt to school day!” at his college. He may or may not also be planning to lay siege to Greece with an army of elephants.
Sean McAneny – After barely surviving two years of Ms. Palmer’s patented IB Suicide Trip™, Sean has seemingly lost all semblance in sanity. He will be dual-majoring in Running and Running, while he will also minor in Running. It is very important to him, as he must now go on the run to stay ahead of Mr. Siebrecht, who is desperate to hunt him down after Sean did not list him as one of his four most influential teachers in his salutatorian speech.
There you have it, the Macaroni class of 2016. All other rumored members of this class have already been euthanized for failing to comply to Macaroni regulations. Speaking as your new still-unannounced-co-Head-Chef-thing, if you fail to visit us and devote the rest of your life to the Macaroni, I will hunt you down, and I know where three of you live. I’d never be able to catch the fourth anyway, cause he’s so damn fast.
Congratulations for not dying. Love, the other less important Macaroni staff members.
-Kitchenette “I’m kind of your boss now” Intern