Publications all over the world, such as the Daily Mail (if you like lies and a distinct lack of mail) and The Guardian (for all the unpatriotic isolationist racists) have reported on Putin’s public Independence Day message to President Obama, which stressed his desire to repair the relations between Russia and the United States. Ever since the whole Crimea annexation two years ago, Obama has still not been returning Putin’s calls, in a gesture Washington insiders have been calling the Cold Shoulder War. In Putin’s statement, he tried to remind Barack of the good times, back when the two countries could get together, crack open a couple cold ones, and work out the “most difficult international problems to the benefit of both nations and all of humankind.” It wasn’t all business– they used to be able to talk about anything, from Michelle`s arms to Vlad`s childhood rat hunting adventures, and especially their shared love of dogs.
However, Obama had only pointed silence for the Russian President, reminiscent of the White House’s official “good luck with that” when Putin announced his plan for Syria back in 2015. For the general public, that appeared to be that, but thanks to a video forwarded to our mail room from what appears to be a source inside the White House (here’s to you, firstname.lastname@example.org) we here at the Macaroni Report are able to bring you the whole story.
Set to the song “Firework” by Katy Perry (because the Kremlin advised against “Party In The USA”), the video was sent with the clear intention of “relighting the fire” between the two nations, and is very evidently Putin’s final push to gain back what was lost between him and Obama, before January, when the inauguration of a new president will bring an end to his shot at redemption. With resolve as stone cold as Siberia, Vlad drove his point across in the perfectly choreographed masterpiece of cinematography. Tragically, the video is frankly too graphic to include here, even in a completely unwholesome publication such as this. Also, there were concerns from many of our staff that the mere sight of Putin’s bare chest rippling out from his star-spangled booty shorts would break the internet. However, the following approved images can hopefully give summarize glimpses of Putin`s last stand, with somewhat reduced psychological scarring.