Hey Macaroni readers! If you are reading this, you have obviously decided that the perils of entering into the outside world cannot compare to reading epic macaroni articles! However, that is really only referring to the two of you actually reading this. We’re literally out of ideas here at the macaroni, so it was either writing this or the Macaroni Critique of Tuesday. Unsurprisingly we went with this, but don’t be surprised if you see a critique of Tuesday in the coming weeks.
In this article, we will be looking at different strategies that various Macaroni writers do to get their articles out to the public. Enjoy!
Various Macaroni Article Writing Tactics
1. The lazy but hungry ostrich strategy
When performing this strategy, one must constantly bemoan their own laziness while simultaneously writing five articles in a single day. While writing these articles, insults of the other members of the crew are a must, specifically shots at the height of the furnace dragon and the stench of the Sasquatch. While using this strategy, the overall goal is to bury your crappy articles under a mountain of other articles. Note that in order to use this strategy, you must be able to come up with more good ideas in a single day than half of the staff can in a month, and be resistant against the excuses of other macaroni writers claiming that “you take all the good ideas.”
2. The Mainline Macaroni strategy
The most popular macaroni strategy (according to a survey conducted by the head chef), this one requires you to report every time you are attacked by a bird. When inevitably no one cares about your well-being, work your blood pressure up and then write a three page rant about the NHS. Then, stop writing articles and pass on all the work to others so that you can retire early.
3. The unintelligent boiler room strategy
Having trouble getting those ideas flowing? Try not capitalizing any of your sentences. This is guaranteed to make sure those ideas don’t start flowing any faster.
4. The crazy environmentalist strategy
Rant about trees for 4 hours, insult Donald Trump, interview creepy hicks and six year old girls, quote batman, insult Donald Trump, rant about chipmunks for 4 hours, rant about whatever for 4 hours, rant, rant some more, rant even more, kill some elderly, and then repeat at least 5 times. Easily the most tiresome article writing strategy. Also the most annoying to other human beings.
5. The “I am a nonsentient hunk of metal” strategy
Write “what is love”, and then never write anything else.
6. The vertically challenged Canadian strategy
There is one major requirement for this writing strategy, you must be below 4’11” to use it. This writing strategy involves you discovering you inner dragon, getting a gender change if you are currently male, sabotaging any other school news publications that you happen to work for from the inside, and then moving to Canada. This will produce some of the best, and sassiest articles, but as a side effect you may start worshiping pictures of Mr. Siebrecht’s ass.
7. The not funny doctor strategy
Openly admitted to not being funny? Well than this is the strategy for you. Generally, you talk about weeaboos or something. Also, at a certain point you change your name to an acronym that only three people understand. To protect your anonymity, or perhaps a sign of early onset insanity?
8. The mail strategy
Talk about mail, write some other articles, but most importantly talk about mail. It allows you to get out articles at pretty consistent rates, but the downside is an obsession with mail. Also you may start to grow curly hair out to your shoulders if you are in eighth grade or below.
9. The other mail strategy
This strategy is less of a way to bang out articles and more of a way to avoid doing so. Generally speaking, you write a couple articles, then spend hours writing articles that will ultimately get left in the drafts box. Then, don’t write any articles for forever, and take a new job as an email handler, at last finding your true calling. Then take a bow (a bow, get it!!!!).
10. The easily scared cat strategy
The strategy of our newest official member is to lock one’s self in a padded room where absolutely nothing can get to you and potentially scare you by performing simple actions. Mainly recommended for people with heart problems and the elderly.
11. The disappearing archivist strategy
If public service announcements are your thing, than this may be the strategy for you. Try writing a few articles, then try not writing anymore articles. In order to get those nagging bosses off of your tail, claim that you went to the future, when in actuality you were crawling around behind a piano shining a flashlight in your eyes.
12. The acid trip strategy
Pretty self explanatory. Take a three month zen break to do some drugs, and then come back and write the first 1000 words that pop into your head. Cohesiveness not required. This strategy is guaranteed to produce the most controversial and politically savvy articles around. Warning: side-effects may include an increasingly powerful urge to run for no reason, spontaneous undressing, and selective amnesia of bald teachers when attempting to write graduation speeches.
Well, there you have it. The next time you decide it’s time to get the blood flowing and bang out another article, use one of these strategies and you are guaranteed to produce an article. Well, that is if you choose a strategy that is guaranteed to produce an article. (*Pssst* choose the ostrich strategy).
Don’t die this summer.