As the latest news rolls out of Cleveland Ohio, various RNC officials have come forward to speak on the future of the Trump campaign and the Republican party. RNC official Jim Gilmore was the first to come and speak on the subject. “Well,” said the former presidential candidate who, when he dropped out the race, was given the choice between jumping on the Trump bandwagon or being excommunicated from the party, “after three-months of tough planning, we succeeded in finally giving Trump the flashy-light-show-stage-entrance that he deserves. But we really didn’t have a direction after that. We figured that eventually Trump saying racist things and claiming to be the world’s smartest person just wouldn’t be good enough anymore, so we really dug in deep to create a solid campaign strategy.”
Jim Gilmore continued on, saying “since chief strategist Sean Spicer knows enough about My Little Pony to quote it in reference to the Trump campaign, we figured we’d put his expertise to work and use some wisdom on kindness or something to appeal to a wider audience. Meanwhile, we dug up the old KKK charter that’s kept in the back pocket of every self-respecting Republican and plan to have Trump quote it at least thirty more times between now and tomorrow.”
After talking to Jim Gilmore, we sought out another chief-adviser of the Trump campaign, David Duke. “There have been more bumps in the road for this campaign than there are tears of Chris Christie as he watches his career get flushed down the toilet,” said Duke, who was recently appointed to the Trump campaign staff alongside Tom Metzger and Kim Jong-Un’s second cousin. “After someone was actually able to spot the fact that we were plagiarizing Michelle Obama, we had to quickly get rid of the next fifteen plagiarized speeches and try to write something new. So far, we’re stalled at talking about her being a pretty immigrant woman. We’ve also had to keep cycling through new staff in our inner circle. For example, Chris Christie just got fired from the ‘Chris Christie sits in the background and looks displeased’ position and was replaced with Mike Pence.
David Duke also said, “We were planning on doing a promotional giveaway of free cowboy hats to every RNC attendee, but we then realized that pretty much everyone in attendance had cowboy hats anyway. We then considered a free teeth giveaway to make up for the obvious lack of incisors present at the convention.”
Duke denied the rumors that party leaders were planning on renaming the RNC the “Bash Hillary Convention.”
We were also able to catch up to the head of Trump’s security team, Whitey W. McWhite the III, for his opinion on the safety of the convention. “The police have been worried about the number of Democratic protesters outside the [insert name of large corporation here] arena,” said McWhite. “It took us at least two days to realize that a third of the protesters were actually Republican Trump supporters who were just mad that they weren’t allowed to bring their guns into the convention. The latest news from the outside is that the protesters are offering free training courses with an AR-15 for seven year olds.”
McWhite does acknowledge that some elements of the Convention did not go as planned, (note that Chris Christie’s attempts to run a call-and-response worship session degraded into a mob mentality yelling contest), but said that “overall, we’ve faced less problems at this convention than there are minorities in Paul Ryan’s selfies.”
Note that if you are planning on attending any part of the funera – I MEAN CONVENTION, canned soup is banned because of worries about ex-Ted Cruz supporters chucking it at the speakers.
Eventually, the Macaroni reporters on scene were able to get a hold of the big man himself for a quick question. When asked what he would do to Make America Great Again, Trump stated that he would instate weekly movie nights on the White House lawn. Don’t get your hopes up just yet though; the only movie currently in Trump’s library is The Birth of a Nation.
For all the latest RNC news, keep it here at the Macaroni.
Chris Christie thinks ISIS controls Libya.