At last week’s Republican National Convention, Ted Cruz, best known for his work as a serial killer in the 1960-70’s as the Zodiac Killer, did something highly unconventional. During his big speech on the floor of the convention Wednesday night, live on national television, when the time came for him to endorse Trump he instead did something more remarkable and slightly less grotesque.Reaching back behind his head, Cruz began tugging, and an audible tearing issued out to the bewildered ears of the captive audience. His features began to go limp as he shed his serpentine skin, pulling it away until just before the end of his neck, where it hung like a withered, homophobic husk. Blinking in the bright light of the convention was something nobody would ever had guessed to be lurking within Cruz: a remorseful human being.
“Vote your conscience,” this new being stated, which was not only shocking due to the fact it was a direct defiance of the party’s expectation of him to endorse Trump, but also because everyone had previously assumed Ted Cruz had no knowledge of consciences. Moreover, Cruz discussed how he believed in the constitutional rights of all Americans, including gays, atheists, and even (if they exist, which the GOP refused to officially acknowledge ) gay atheists. Booing erupted from the crowd at these horrifying prospects, with many grown ass adults breaking down into tears. All children present had to be put down immediately, for their own well being. But Cruz, never one for aborting unless it was his own campaign for the White House, barreled on with his defiant refusal to support the Republican nominee. Even when his delegates pleaded, threatened, and started loudly sobbing at him the morning after his coming out, he refused to re-zip the lizard exterior.
According to insiders on the RNC teleprompter guild, Newt Gingrich, who has no qualms with being as his name might suggest, another of the GOP’s many wealthy reptilians, had to scavenge and write a whole new speech after Cruz’s startling exposure. This disruption of what had promised to be another one of that week’s overdone circle jerks was what ex-important person Chris Christie declared the most disheartening loss of the night, because, as he stated, “That’s really all I’ve got to live for at this point. The thrill of a good bridge closure just isn’t the same.”
Trump, naturally, has claimed that he didn’t want Ted’s endorsement anyway, and that he wouldn’t even endorse Ted’s Mom, and no, you’re stupid, so there! Clearly, this shocking betrayal of trust has done nothing to his overwhelming wit and charm.
Please stay tuned for the Macaroni Political coverage of the Democratic National Convention this next week, which will undoubtedly have its own array of wild revelations, such as Elizabeth Warren tackling Tim Kaine during his big vice presidential candidacy speech, or Bernie showing the world that yes, he does in fact own a hairbrush.